008 [AUDIO]

[testgasm]

[And now, a public service announcement from your resident lord and master of gross exaggeration, poster child of pointless overreaction, supreme champion of the ninety-mile-an-hour whinge--]

There's a cow in the oxygen garden.

[He doesn't even bother to hide the undercurrent of disgust in the audio feed, an edge to his voice that makes it clear he's most likely had a recent run-in with the aforementioned cow and/or a cow by-product.]

There's a cow in the oxygen garden why is there a cow in the oxygen garden on what strange, bizarro planet did any of you think this was a good idea?

Agh, it's--nevermind, I'm absolutely positive that at least some of you come from strange, bizarro planets where this sort of thing is acceptable. I mean, the cats and the dogs and--I heard there's a horse, too--are bad enough, now we've got livestock.

And don't even--don't even get me started on the bloody birds. Filthy. Eugh.

I know we're probably still hung up on certain unnamed parties forgetting how to swim, and yes, fair enough, it's tragic, but I think we could all use a, ah. Friendly reminder. This is, in fact, a spaceship. Not a zoo. How is that--What's the point, anyway? It's all--it's all great that the ship packed up your giant killer wolf and dumped it in your locker just for you, but maybe the rest of us are not entirely comfortable with the idea of cows and horses and giant killer wolves out! Anyone think of that?

You can't walk five feet around here without running into someone's pet. We have got to start talking about what to do with all these animals. Honestly.

Comments

[insufferableprick]

siiiigh
fine but next time it comes up the numbers come out got it

you say youre a robot
sure ok i believe you
but also
ive just so happened to see you in person
youre a ginger kid with more freckles than there are stars in the sky
thus if you are a robot
then you happen to be a robot in a human body
which is the exact definition of a robokin despite that being a thing i made up just now
if you agree to these terms we can call this an agreement and you can add another tally to your count

[testgasm]

Okay, not a child, first off. Definitely--definitely much older than you in more ways than one.

Second--and this is the more important point of the two, all right--I don't think you're actually taking this seriously.

[insufferableprick]

there are only so many ways by which you can be older than a person wheaties
ok say youre older than me as in youve existed longer
thats one
youre more outdated and obsolete compared to me
thats two
am i missing any??

what makes you think that

[testgasm]

I can think of at least three, including the fact that I'm probably much older than the body I'm shoved in, which, in turn, is older than you and very much not a child.

[IF I REALLY WANTED TO I COULD GROW A BEARD OKAY...]

Come on, I can--I know when someone's being facetious.

[insufferableprick]

must be nice to be an adult and get to do adults things
so basically what youre saying is youd rather be called old man than kid right
ok i can do that old man

i think youre reading too far into this
i am taking this plenty seriously

[testgasm]

I would rather you recognize me as a robot, and not--I don't know, some crazy person who thinks he's one.

[insufferableprick]

hey now i didnt call you crazy
i called you a robot in a human body which is exactly what you are
i happen to call things straight facetiousness notwithstanding
im willing to believe youre an ai cause weve got empirical data attesting to the superficiality of your intelligence
but youve got to concede your body is no longer the sleek metallic testicle it used to be and is now a flesh bag that leaks from either end at inopportune times

[testgasm]

I've been in it for almost ten months, now, I'm pretty sure I've come to accept this fact. It doesn't make me any less of a robot.

[insufferableprick]

oh really
so what part of you is currently robotic

[testgasm]

[GOD DAMN IT]

My brain, I would assume. I mean, I'm still code where it counts, doesn't matter what they stick me in.

[insufferableprick]

actually im pretty sure your brain is squishy and grey just like the rest of us
but yes you ARE code where it counts
and that is in your ~*~soul~*~

[testgasm]

Robots don't have souls, Dave. We're robots.

[insufferableprick]

now now wheaties dont let anyone put you down like that
of course youve got a soul youre a real boy

[testgasm]

[NO STOP I'M NOT READY FOR PERSONHOOD.]

Don't be ridiculous. You can't program a soul.

[insufferableprick]

ok sure but once the blue fairy prods you with her wand of puppet enchantment and cuts the strings that hold you down
once you take a detour to pleasure island and get swallowed up by moby dick
thats when you EARN your pinocchio soul
and i know youve done the last two things you made such a grandstanding case for your adulthood after all

[testgasm]

I didn't understand a word you just said. Was that even English?

[insufferableprick]

you dont know pinocchio

[testgasm]

It sounds familiar. Maybe I read it, once. I've read...a lot, practically every book to ever exist, so you can't really blame me if a few get lost in the shuffle.

[insufferableprick]

what is the point of reading shit if you retain zilch
also how can you forget pinocchio
hes practically the poster boy for dudes like yourself

[testgasm]

That one must not have been terribly important, is all! But fine, if we're so similar, go ahead, enlighten me.

[insufferableprick]

ok so once upon a time
there was this sick fuck named gefetish and he made pinocchio
a puppet who suffered from permanent morning wood
made sense considering it was actually carved from a tree
but whenever he told a lie his cock grew harder faster stronger longer
being the artificially intelligent hunk of firewood that he was pinocchio lied all the fucking time without realizing it
so he just kept sprouting
he was finally cured when he was abducted onto the spaceship ss blue fairy
where all robots are turned human for some inexplicable reason
and once he was a real boy he blew his load and the spooge could be seen for miles around
his soul was born from that urethra sneeze
it was named monstro
sounds just like you right

there was this other part on pleasure island where there was a lot of ass but that parts not as important

1/2 i know they don't use computers but i don't care

[testgasm]

[testgasm]

I'm pretty sure that's not what happens.

wheaties why so adorable

[insufferableprick]

exactly how sure are you

[testgasm]

I'm going to reread it and get back to you.

[The media library is bound to have fairy tales RIGHT]