ataraxion | 008 [AUDIO]

[And now, a public service announcement from your resident lord and master of gross exaggeration, poster child of pointless overreaction, supreme champion of the ninety-mile-an-hour whinge--]

There's a cow in the oxygen garden.

[He doesn't even bother to hide the undercurrent of disgust in the audio feed, an edge to his voice that makes it clear he's most likely had a recent run-in with the aforementioned cow and/or a cow by-product.]

There's a cow in the oxygen garden why is there a cow in the oxygen garden on what strange, bizarro planet did any of you think this was a good idea?

Agh, it's--nevermind, I'm absolutely positive that at least some of you come from strange, bizarro planets where this sort of thing is acceptable. I mean, the cats and the dogs and--I heard there's a horse, too--are bad enough, now we've got livestock.

And don't even--don't even get me started on the bloody birds. Filthy. Eugh.

I know we're probably still hung up on certain unnamed parties forgetting how to swim, and yes, fair enough, it's tragic, but I think we could all use a, ah. Friendly reminder. This is, in fact, a spaceship. Not a zoo. How is that--What's the point, anyway? It's all--it's all great that the ship packed up your giant killer wolf and dumped it in your locker just for you, but maybe the rest of us are not entirely comfortable with the idea of cows and horses and giant killer wolves out! Anyone think of that?

You can't walk five feet around here without running into someone's pet. We have got to start talking about what to do with all these animals. Honestly.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Too bad he's already off to the next point.]

Medbay prob'ly has something for that, anyway.

I think I'll just--avoid the situation entirely. Not a big fan of doctors.

Why does every damn person on this ship have problems with doctors?

[HUFF.]

I, personally, have a problem with the doctors because they're always in my business. Can't really speak for anyone else, but who wants to get poked with needles, honestly.

Always.

[The skepticism, do you hear it.]

Yes. Can't take two steps into Medbay without being asked if I'm taking care of myself properly.

Prob'ly because you aren't.

[Oh look he actually sounds not-annoyed and very neutral about it. Not out of politeness of course, but because... hey, it's probably true.]

No, no, I am! I'm good at it! Much better at it than I used to be. Huge amount of progress on this end. Eating, drinking, sleeping, hygiene. Do it all.

Uh - [he snaps his mouth shut before he can ask REALLY, but] - why? I mean, what changed your mind.

Well, um, I don't want to die, for one, so that's where the eating and drinking comes in. And the, ah. Interest in hygiene is a direct result of this body coming equipped with olfactory receptors, which my old body did not have. Sort of an instant cure for hydrophobia, that.

[The only thing worse than being a human

is being a smelly one.]

Hydrophobia...

[Maybe he shouldn't ask, even if he's kind of sort of asking just by saying it.]

Ever figure out how to use brushes?

Water, mate. I don't like water. Had to get over that pretty quickly, let me tell you.

[Still doesn't like water, but at least recognizes the necessity of a shower. PROGRESS.]

What kind? There are a lot of different kinds, you'll have to be more specific.

[Huff.] I know what that means.

[Ohhhh he could tell you about water.]

Toothbrushes and hairbrushes... 'less you like painting, too.

Just making sure. Covering all my bases.

I have used both, yes. The former, ah. Much more often than the latter.

[I AM SO FUCKING GOOD AT BRUSHING MY TEETH]

Guess robots don't get t'paint much.

[JUST TAKING THAT "LATTER" AS "PAINTBRUSH" it helps him sleep at night.]

I didn't have hands. We've sort of been over this.

You're a robot.

[This totally is all the explanation he needs, according to him.]

Yes! We've been over that, too. If you recall.

[HUFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF HE KNOWS AND IF YOU'RE TOO DUMB TO GET HIS CONVOLUTED POINT LET HIM GET TO IT HUFFFFFFF

inordinately annoyed]

So program it.

That's not how it works. I could have been programmed to do nothing but paint, but what good is that if you don't have hands?

Japan has robots than can dance. An' robots that can paint cars.

[Not... seeing... the problem here... ]

Well, uh. I'm not a Japanese robot. I couldn't paint anything, because I couldn't hold a brush. Maybe now, I could, but only because I have the means to do so.

Yeah, yeah, you're American. Got it.

But couldn't ya - [A pause as he waves a hand in the air on his side of the device.] - make other ones do it, or somethin'?

American make, sure.

[I'm British in my tiny robot nonexistent soul.]

To be honest, I wasn't really thinking about painting. Ever.

Right. [American.]

....why not.

[Every human ever thinks about painting obviously get with it.]

(no subject)

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