[
Hey sup Tranquility IT'S WHEATLEY TIME. And if you don't know what that entails, YOU ARE ABOUT TO FIND OUT. Spoiler alert: it's a lot of petulant British whining.]
Yes, right, hello, sort of been a
while, hasn't it? Two things. Well, three, I suppose, if you want to get
technical.
One. I am...okay, I'll be honest, I'm in the market for a
weapon. And a haircut. Either/or, really. I suppose the weapon is--is the more
pressing issue, because, well, obviously we've got a
monster problem on board. I saw the science department; you can't convince me there aren't other...
abominations of that nature hiding away on this ship, and I'd rather not experience another situation where it's me, and no weapon, versus a bunch of vicious
animals out for my blood. Sure, it's all well and good if the powers that be dump an entire
arsenal in your locker, but some of us didn't
have arsenals back home. Some of us had flashlights,
which, for the record, I was
not allowed to keep.
The haircut is...
slightly less pressing, but I
do think I need to look into it. I was under the impression that it would quit growing eventually, you know, reach a maximum length and then
stop, but we're going on…what? Eight months? And that does--that does not seem to be the case. If it
hurts, someone might want to let me know, and we'll just forget it, but honestly, I will
never understand how
any of you deal with all these pointless functions.
Ridiculous.
I don't exactly have a lot to offer but I would...very much like to work something out, if possible. We can--we can
negotiate.
Have I
mentioned how hard it is to participate in our little established barter system when you don't have
possessions? It's difficult, in case you were wondering, especially when you need weapons, or haircuts, or maybe clothing that isn't covered in
buttons and
zippers and
laces. I mean, for god's sake, I'm starting to pawn of my
furniture to get what I need around here.
Third. Mostly unrelated to points one and two, but still important. Cave Johnson, founder and CEO of Aperture Science, seems to have mysteriously vanished, as people tend to do around here. Seeing as I was his
appointed personal assistant,
I'll be assuming leadership of the company from here on out. All inquiries regarding Aperture activity can be directed to me. [
hay GLaDOS haaaaay]
Oh, and--four things. I lied, I had four things. Ward
or Resnik, when either of you have a moment--I'm sure your moments are few and far between but in the event you
do feel like giving me the time of day, I've just got a question. Quick one. Won't take any time at all.