006 [TEXT + AUDIO]

[testgasm]

need some help wiping a data pad

it's ratchet's and i think he's disappeared so i'm just going to borrow it but it's full of frankly explicit information concerning the propagation of his species

seriously this is much more than i ever needed to know about alien robots that aren't really robots

i mean i knew that bloke was a lot of things but i didn't think pervert was necessarily one of them until now i suppose

before anyone asks: tried hacking

no good at cybertronian encryption and you can't honestly blame me for that one because aliens

fake-robot alien perverts

anyway i'd like all this rubbish cleared off because data pads are nice things to own and I enjoy owning things just not things full of unnecessary information regarding alien robot procreation

and i know there are at least a few of you who could do it because you're all a bunch of big shot hackers mucking about in the subnetwork dredging up creepy hit lists written by an emoticon

interested parties please reply within or come to medbay either works

W

PS apologies for improper punctuation/capitalization/syntax. not feeling well, typing difficult, sick of fingers etc etc

---failed lock to 001 » 136 (HAL 9000) -- 10%---

[In the event anyone is wondering why the heck this guy decided to type things today, a poorly-encrypted voice post is the answer. Wheatley maybe sounds a little like he's been hit by a truck.]

I don't--

Maybe you won't get this message. I hope you get this message; for all I know you could still be off on your walk, or lost, or something, ha, well, no, that's not funny. Sorry, that's…not funny at all. We haven't made the lists, in case you were wondering what you've…been missing.

I missed a few things, too, I think. I--it's--I'm not sure how long I was out, exactly. Must've been less than a month, because I don't recall a jump, but--

Just say something, if you're still here.

Comments

[andblockbuster]

Hold it up to something magnetic. [It is a legit suggestion. Many a man's porn collection has been lost to twitchy, yet powerful, magnets.

And Topher claims no responsibility for the things he did in college.]

[text]

[testgasm]

are you sure

they told me i shouldn't get near magnets

[Voice]

[andblockbuster]

Since I'm pretty sure you don't have a metal skeleton, I think it'll be okay.

[perma-text]

[testgasm]

how do you know

[My name is Wheatley and I am content to live in delusion.]

[godofthemachine]

It's obvious you have little skill in hacking. Your filtering skills are rather poor. Tell HAL I said hi.

There's a little group of people offering hacking lessons.

[testgasm]

[WOW AM

GUESS WHAT YOU ARE

DID YOU GUESS A TOOL]

don't need hacking lessons you've obviously got no idea what you're talking about

if anyone needs lessons it's you

lessons in not being rude

Perma-text

[godofthemachine]

[Yes he guessed correctly does he win a cookie?]

I'm merely stating the truth, my dear Wheatley.

[ACTION]

[mutelunatic]

[GUESS WHO DECIDED TO SHOW UP

WITH THEIR CHILD THAT FUCKING RUBIK'S CUBE IN HAND, EVEN

this chick, right here, standing a foot or so away from Wheatley's medbay bed or whatever the fuck they stuck him in.

anyway hello it's obvious she just came to stare and see why exactly this annoying bloke is in medbay and now that she actually sees him it's

pretty obvious

aka you look like shit Wheatley.]

awwww shit

[testgasm]

[No haven't you heard, giant bandages on the back of your neck is the in look this season.

BUT WAIT

IS THAT

IT IS

IT'S THE CUBE

And he perks up immediately at the sight of it, because obviously Chell has realized the error of her ways and is here to return it.

Right?

RIGHT!?]

Oh, brilliant! You brought it back! Knew you had it in you.

AWWWW HERE IT GOES

[mutelunatic]

[LMAO NOPE NICE TRY WHEATLEY YOU GET A

bronze star for trying.

she's not paying attention to what he's saying though, instead her eyes are at his neck and she's kind of just, standing there. her expression morphs into...

a sort of begrudged concern? no no, more like pity because Wheatley is actually pitiful. she's got a lot of mixed feelings about this guy. most of them have to do with HATE HATE HATE and UGH THIS GUY I FUCKING HATE HIM but still!

her eyebrows stitch together and she uses her free hand to rub the back of her neck in a sort of questioning manner.]

voice

[handelaar]

[He didn't read that. Not any of it, not a single damn word, barely even skimmed it. But it could be important. Maybe. (Not likely. No capslock or obnoxious British screeching.) So just in case:]

Summarize that in a sentence.

[...asking the impossible, probably.]

text

[testgasm]

i need someone to wipe the files off this datapad

[LOOK HE DID IT]

permavoiiice

[handelaar]

Why.

[Pause. Afterthought.]

Not bad, kid.

[Yeah, still calling Wheatley a kid... even if the guy is (physically) older than him. Whatever whatever he does what he wants.]

[megamind]

[ghee hee hee hee]

[seriously he'll address the issue later.]

[After he's done snickering and giggling]

[testgasm]

[guess who is also a gigantic tool

megamind]

[megamind]

[the giggles an laughter go on for a few more minutes, as he sits there, palming his face, narrow shoulders shaking as he acts about as maturely as a twelve year old.]

[Eventually it slowed, though, and he wipes tears from his eyes.]

Well, beyond the usual-- magnets and so on-- have you had any of the more proficient hackers look at it? Aberdeen, JARVIS, so on? [well, Jarvis isn't a-- hacker. He's a-- Anti-Wheatley, if Megamind thinks about it.] At the very least they might want to look at the whole code language. Might be useful for them.

[voice] [locked, 20%]

[functioningperfectly]

[It takes him a while to respond - not because he's still on his walk, but because he's been in his room for two or three days without looking at his communicator. He'd liked the quiet. The ship wasn't as terrifying as people thought.

Finally, though, he checks and sees what's going on.]

I did not get lost. [He sounds kind of tired.]

[perma-voice]

[testgasm]

[This is the sound of Wheatley all but diving for his communicator.]

HAL--

You're back, that's--that's brilliant, I was starting to worry that you'd disappeared, ha.

[yeah lets do that]

[functioningperfectly]

No, I'm quite fine. I only explored a short distance away from the populated areas.

[...Sort of. At one point, he'd gotten turned around, but he hadn't fallen or hurt himself or starved, so he considers it a win.

There's a distinct moment of hesitation before he says,]

You don't sound well. Are you all right?

[syllogism]

[At least they hadn't gone further than that. Then again, how could they after something as 'minor' as the plug incident?

Now that it's over with, Dirk might as well say 'hi' and welcome Wheatley back to the living. Not that he'd actually died, but it could've become a thing with all the blood and shit.]

Hey, man.

[testgasm]

hi dirk

what did i miss

hit lists aside

[syllogism]

Not much. I don't know, I can't think of anything worth mentioning really.
Hit lists and treasure hunting or some other shit with maps.
Pretty much the same old kinda thing.
Sucks that things didn't work out. I think I really crafted a fine piece of work.
What're you gonna do with it?

audio;

[saint_kitten]

"Fake-robot alien perverts" is just a little vague, don't you think, sweetie?

text

[testgasm]

do you need me to clarify

audio;

[saint_kitten]

It's a very confusing accusation, sweet sir.