ataraxion | ( 006 ) video ✶ there’s a party at the bar everybody put your glasses up and i drink to that

[ normally, jenna's posts are reliably fairly tl;dr and cheerful. 'welcome, new campers!' and all that.

today is not a cheerful day. she turns on the feed and then sits silently for a second, not sure what to say. finally, she shrugs. ]

So, I really want to get hammered. Reprehensibly so. I want to get disgustingly fall down, pretend this all didn't happen for a night drunk.

[ she's not even sure she can do that without an iv of señor tequila, but by god she's gonna try. ]

Anybody with me?

...Price of admission is a 'no photographic evidence will ever surface' pinkie swear and a contest to see who can yell 'Christo' the loudest before anybody lets you in whatever common space we take over.

l o c k e d ;

Can everyone just... sound off? Please. We seriously need a check-in list, or something. 'If still alive and yourself, initial here'.

God. It's been a really long month, you guys.

/ l o c k e d ;

l o c k e d ;

So. I, uh. [ she pauses, weighing her words. maybe calling him a dick helped in the moment, with tyke, but the truth is: jenna misses dean, and if this changed his mind at all she needs to know, so she can keep chipping away at that... horribly frustrating stubbornness of his. ] I don't know if hunting monsters with a monster changed your mind at all, but... there's a bottle for you too. If you want it.

You can't not talk to me forever, you know. It's a-- huge ship, fine, but I'm really stubborn. Maybe more stubborn than you are.

[ it's hard to joke like they used to when she's not sure she'll get any reply but silence. ]

Anyway. The offer is there.

/ l o c k e d ;

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Oh, sweetheart. [ that one escapes unbidden, low and sad. she doesn't know alayne-- and alayne isn't elena-- but she's barely more than a child to jenna's estimation, and that slowly admitted pain makes her chest tighten.

she speaks slowly, weighing her words. there's a fine line between empathy and overshare, and she wants to get it right. ] Before I was... like this, I got hurt too. But I promise, you'll get better. And the nightmares will, too.

[ that makes her fall silent, touched and a little awkward. the overly formal (to her ears, at least) way of speaking employed by robb and his sister makes jenna feel like everything is more weighted, somehow, her usual habit of flippant teasing inappropriate. ]

That I'll take the thank you for. [ she pauses, unsure if she should leave it there, but unable to resist. ] But only because I know what it's like to worry about your family.

[ Family.

The word makes panic seize in Alayne's chest. Had Robb told Jenna of their secret? Was this another soul who knew of Sansa Stark? For all that Alayne loved Robb — loved him with both her heart and Sansa's heart too — the truth of her name remained locked within her (though Alayne knew, could feel it by slowly creeping degrees, that some of it had seeped out into the light of day, where other people could readily see). Dread sinks heavy into her stomach, though Alayne hides it well with a cough. (No, milday, you are mistaken.) ]

I am not of the King in the North's blood, [ she says carefully (gently), as if Jenna has committed some social faux pas, rather than reveal some terrible secret that should never be spoken. ] But— but my father and I keep his counsel. And younger Stark, Lord Bran— he is as dear to me as my own life. [ (The truth: as dear as Bran may be, Robb is even dearer — if such a measure were even possible. But a king does not need love the way a little brother might. No a king needs fealty, wisdom and respect; so that is what Alayne offers when Sansa's voice is kept quiet and dumb.) ] I am honored to be kept half as close, that one would mistake us for family.

[ A hard swallow. Would the lie keep? ] You spoke of grave injury, once. —did you forgive the one that harmed you? Or was forgiveness lost?

[ the gentle set down registers with jenna and she frowns at her device for a moment, confused-- how worried robb was, the kind of specific, protective worry-- but then again, look at caroline and matt and tyler and bonnie. elena and jeremy are her blood, but she can't say that if any of them were near death she wouldn't react with the same kind of anger and possessiveness her niece and nephew would gather, as well. ]

I just assumed, because-- [ she coughs, stopping midsentence and reversing the thought in motion. ] Because blood or not, he obviously cares about you a lot.

[ there's an unsettling feeling of not quite understanding what's being said prickling at the back of jenna's neck, but it's probably better not to keep going to somehow manage to commit another faux pas. ]

We came to an understanding. [ on ship and not by choice, but details. ] But in the end, what I needed to work out how I felt didn't involve them.

A good king cares for his people, [ Alayne says with gentle certainty (again, that warmth in her tone, some of the truth seeping through). And even though the King in the North does not rule over the Vale (the seat of Petyr — her father's — lordship) there is only one king that her heart bows to, only one king that she's ever found to be true and never false. ] And Robb is a good king. His heart is fierce and unafraid; and he inspires love and loyalty, not fear. [ A touch of something else colors her voice when she says the word 'fear'. Something like disgust or barely withheld disdain, another scar perhaps, one that Jenna can't see but which exists somewhere on or within Alayne nevertheless. (It's a case of more truths, again more. They leak from her haphazardly, but Alayne is still tired and her bruises are still fresh and so she cannot think to run after them, plugging the holes with her fingers until something better can be done.)

Alayne then falls quiet, subdued, perhaps chastised by what she has said (again, is it too much) and the knowledge that, if she is not careful, if she does not mind her tongue, it is possible she will say more. Only after a long silence does she speak again. ]

It was not his fault, the man who harmed me. He was— [ She lowers her voice, perhaps worried that Robb will hear and grow angry again. ] —he was not himself. And yet—

—to see him, to hear his voice. It frightens me. I'm made afraid.

[ I am not brave. They deserve a sister, a daughter, who is brave. ]

I know I only just met him, but he's the kind of guy I-- [ slight hesitance here, over the phrasing. ] Pledged my banner to anyway. I can't say I've ever met a king before, but he seems like a good one.

[ he seems oddly young-- he can't be, though, can he?-- and weary and devoted, but while jenna will never be a politician, she can keep a few thoughts to herself.

she inhales sharply at alayne's confession, already trying to pick through the details of her story for something that could help, tell alayne the fear is just part of the process. ]

The person who hurt-- who stabbed me? She looked like someone I love. I had nightmares about her face. [ she's never even told ric that-- katherine's compulsion held until jenna's death-- even when they told her what really happened, all she could see in her mind's eye was slipping and falling, the knife miraculously positioned in the worst way possible. but the brain understands things deep down even compulsion can't erase, and she woke up sobbing more than once, filled with fading images of elena's face but warped, eyes blackened and cruel; and with the certainty that if she went down the hall and into her niece's room, she'd see a monster instead of a girl.

she can't explain that to alayne, but she can try and reassure her the fear fades. ] I know it's hard, but fear is just your body telling you to get out of danger. [ oversimplification, yes. but that's fine. ] All it means is that everything is working right.

Edited 2012-05-07 22:26 (UTC)

There is always danger, [ she says, and it is not Alayne Stone who speaks, but Sansa Stark. Sansa, who lost her family and her king, then her hair and her name and her hope. Sansa, who had been forced to play the game of thrones; Sansa, who knew one misstep and I am dead. ] It never goes away.

[ Alayne is quiet for a long moment before she speaks again: ] But— But, you have not pledged unwisely, I promise you. There is none more deserving of fealty than Robb.

[ on her end, jenna swallows hard and closes her eyes-- 'there's always danger'. the part of her that would have done anything for elena, wanted to keep her safe and protected and happy rages now; alayne is too young for that kind of certainty. ]

Not really, no. But then you just have to be afraid about new things, and keep rolling with the punches. [ ...that could be a problematic idiom. ] Adapting, I mean. Thriving is important, but people forget how much just surviving can take out of you and don't give enough credit for getting out of bed in the morning. [ thanks for that opportunity to misquote, maya angelou. ]

I'm not worried. [ not about robb, at least. ]

( 006 ) video ✶ there’s a party at the bar everybody put your glasses up and i drink to that

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