five ♣ voice, vaguely night-time.

[unmakes]

Okay, so I'm pretty much ridiculously bored right now, and it's not like I can go anywhere because like 90% of the people who're even awake right now are doing shit in the departments, so.

I don't know. Tell me a joke. The worse the better. If I have to pretty much shun you for telling it, it means you win.

Comments

[vdova]

[ TERRIBLE JOKES!? ]

How are German pancakes different from regular ones?

[unmakes]

...How.

[vdova]

They have Führer calories.

[sweetmotherofgod]

Okay, so I knew these guys who were philosophy students? Exactly as boring as it sounds. But one night we got into this big discussion about faith, and beliefs, and one of them - James - got onto the topic of whether the Pope masturbates. And this other guy Joe, he was raised Catholic, and he's like hell no the Pope doesn't jerk it. He's God's dude on Earth, there's no way. And they get into this huge back-and-forth, like, I honestly thought it was gonna end up in a fistfight and I'd be calling an ambulance, but we get to the point where Joe's all I BET YOU TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS THE POPE DOESN'T MASTURBATE and James is all deal, which is fucking stupid because we're all students or working crappy min wage jobs, you know? Joe doesn't have ten k to give. Dude lives on ramen and microwave mac and cheese.

Anyway, James took him at his word. Like, fucking buys a camera with a fancy-ass zoom lens and flies out and camps his dumb self outside the Vatican, is how serious he is. Stupid. And he's there for weeks, man, pointing this camera in windows and biding his time, and it's all just what you'd expect. The Pope praying, the Pope blessing people, the Pope doing good fucking works like he's meant to. And then one day? Fucking payday. James points his camera and there's the Pope choking the bishop, as it were. And James is like HELL YEAH and his take his picture juuuust at the money shot, but this asshole forgot to turn off his flash. So it's like BOOM, bright light, the Pope doesn't even have time to grab a tissue or anything. And he storms out - dick under his robes, just in case any god-botherers are wondering - and finds James and he's so mad. He's all, you gotta give me that camera right now, the faith of millions depends on it. Hell no, James says, I got a lot riding on this, I spent more than I could afford just to come out here. And the Pope's like, okay, I'll give you a grand for the camera. James laughs in his face, like - the camera cost him more than that in the first place. I'll give you ten grand, says the Pope, and James is all - dude, I wouldn't break even, so he says no. And the Pope's desperate, so he says - son. I will give you one million dollars for that camera.

Now my buddy James, he's not stupid. A bet's a bet, but a million dollars is a million fucking dollars. So he says sure, show me the lira and the camera's yours.

Anyway, they do the deal. James is heading back stateside a rich man, and Il Papa is heading back into the Vatican with his image intact, until some nun sees him.

"Nice camera," she says. "What did it cost you?"

"A million dollars," says the Pope.

"Man," says the nun. "Somebody musta seen you coming."

[Ba-dum-tchss}

[unmakes]

[ the ugliest of snerks. ] Okay, yeah, that was totally worth the build-up.

...Which sounds so much worse after that joke, oh my god.

[treasonista]

Stop me if you've heard this one.

[ Oh boy. Her voice is just a little too smooth to portend anything good. ]

You'll see her once a month, but she's not your Aunt Flo.
She's got an awful lot of hair, but she's no Lady Godiva.
She hates silver, and not because she's always striving for the gold.
She has large fangs, but she isn't a vampire.

What is she?

[ Hello, Sally. ]

lovingly threadjacks.

[fullmoon]

Are you sure she isn't my Aunt Flo? Sounds exactly like her.

[treasonista]

[ She may be trying to be spiteful, but Remus's interjection catches Odessa off-guard enough to be rewarded with a brief sputter of laughter. ]

And is she howling mad, too?

less than lovingly threadjacks, finally

[doggedly]

Oooh. Is it your mum?

okay now the real reply <3

[treasonista]

Couldn't tell you. Haven't got one of those.

[ Which... maybe explains something? Maybe? ]

Did you hurt yourself thinking that one up?

start making werewolf accusations, get a flood of haters, apparently

[de_void]

That's not even a joke.

[voice]

[blackmagus]

I hope you won't actually. Not much of a prize, darling. But very well. I'll give it a try or two.

[ She does make her friend Cash groan quite a bit. ]

Why did the mushroom go to the party?

[voice]

[unmakes]

Well see, his buddy told him pretty much everyone there was on shrooms, and the mushroom hadn't gotten laid in like a year.

[ the real answer involves a 'fungi/fun guy' pun doesn't it ]

Text

[likescats]

A dwarf named Bjorn dies. When he meets Death he says he believes in reincarnation and asks that since he was very good, will it help? Death replies that this it not up to him. But if he believes in reincarnation he will be ....Bjorn again

Text

[unmakes]

[ good thing you can't hear the stupid snort-laugh. ]

okay but real talk

he wouldn't be bjorn again unless the new vag he rockets out of happens to pick the exact same name, right? or is that not how reincarnation works? i feel like i should know this but i never actually went through with it

voice;

[doggedly]

If you wanted jokes, why did you bother asking all of these people?

[like: hullo from next door, thanks]

voice;

[unmakes]

Are you looking for an answer besides 'because I've heard like 95% of your jokes'?

[majestyofthethrone]

The B in Benoît B. Mandelbrot stand for Benoît B. Mandelbrot.

[unmakes]

are you absolutely positive that's a joke

just asking

voice.

[trynotodie]

[oh man bad jokes, it's like you've hit his niche, be prepared to be stunned, sally.]

Okay, have you heard the one about the chemist who was reading a book about helium?

voice.

[unmakes]

Iiii have not, actually.

voice.

[de_void]

I don't know Sally, do you really want to open this can of worms with me. Do you.

voice.

[unmakes]

I can't believe you still have to ask that question.

voice

[wentdowntogeorgia]

A man walks into a talent agency with his family and tells the agent that he should represent them. The agent says that he doesn't do family acts, on account of them being a little too cute, but man insists that the agent would want to take them on if he only saw their act.

The agent decides that he'll give them a chance and agrees to see it.

[And it's at this point that every since being in every single universe that has ever and will ever exist should feel an acute pang of pity for Sally, because what comes out of Lucifer's mouth next is a string of the most hideous, terrifying, and mind-bendingly obscene acts known to man, and probably a few that hadn't been until this moment. It's a veritable circus of atrocity, a masterfully painted verbal depiction of the most repugnant depths that humanity could sink to, offset by the disturbingly articulate and refined manner that he speaks in, like he's doing nothing more unusual than discussing the weather over afternoon tea.]

And when they're finished, the agent sits in silence for a while before he manages to say, 'That's quite an act you have. What do you call it?'

The man says with a flourish, 'The Aristocrats.'

voice

[unmakes]

[ a looooong pause. then (with an awk sort of laugh-breath): ]

I mean, how young even were these kids? Because I'm pretty sure some of that shit has a height requirement.

[ the pause was really just the time it took to come up with something other than 'oh my god, let's not' to say. ]