ataraxion | 002; video

[John's been trying to stay off the network. He sounds and looks worse than he is. He thinks. He looks pretty bad, though. He's sweaty, tired-looking, and pale with dark, dark circles under his eyes. Now and then, you might see a space between teeth where another tooth should be, or missing nails on his hands.]

I know I've been quiet. Sorry about that.

[He winces as he settles back down on the bed. His voice sounds tired and hoarse.]

I've just been wiped, but I guess I'm not getting any better. I've gotten the gist of what's going on from your posts. I don't have anything helpful to add, except if you need help, call me.

[He sighs, thinking for a few moments.] What would you do if you were on a path of self-destruction, but it was the only way to redeem yourself? Would you continue in the hopes of being redeemed? Or is your well-being more important? Being vague here on purpose.

[That's not alarming or anything. Good job, John.]

If I know you, a quick 'hello, I'm alive' text or something would be helpful.

And I'm just a cop, but if you need some muscle or an extra pair of hands to help with finding out what's going on, I'll be there.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Bullshit.

[Emphasized, yeah, but it's - gentle. There's kind of a tone to his voice, one she's heard from people before. From people here especially, taken away from their homes and given the chance to Think About What They've Done.

It's a bitchy sitch, always. So she's not going to baby him over it, but she sees the value in at least trying not to be a jerk.]

Unless we're talking about a bikini wax, I'm not buying it. There's a difference between redemption and self-flagellation, too. 'course I'd be in a better position to comment if I knew what it is that's got you so knotted up.

Is it a chick? 'cause she sounds like she's probably amazing in bed but maybe not worth it long term.

[Kidding, kidding.]

[He laughs again.] No, the woman I'm crazy about is worth it. And nothing like the thing I'm talking about.

[A sigh.] I'd tell you. Really, I would, but it sounds way worse than it is. But don't worry. I've got it under control.

[Starts a tally for how many times he's said that.]

Is there any kind of psychological component taught in cop school? 'cause I gotta tell you, if there is I'm amazed you passed. The thing about making a big dramatic statement and then telling people "no, it's fine, really" is that nobody freakin' believes it. Ever. It just ends up sounding like a verbal stutter cut. Like, the total opposite of under control.

[There's a pause, and she flicks it over to private.]

Back home, I had this - situation. Someone I loved more than anything got hurt because of me. I wanted to clean up the mess, and I think I woulda done anything to make it right, even if it meant I died at the end. Sometimes I still think I would, if I had a shot, but I know it wouldn't be for him. It'd be for me. And it wouldn't fix anything.

So, yeah, that's my overshare slash lecture. Who's the special lady? Bet she'd be all kinds of pissed if you did something dumb.

[He listens. It stings a little at the beginning. But he listens. And he starts to understand a little.]

Thanks for the lecture. [He says with slight amusement. But she's gotten farther in his brain than anyone else has. But he's just sliding right past that subject and into the next.] Is dumb really the right word?

And... her name is Sally. We've only been on one date, but we see each other so often. She's beautiful and sweet... and she has a wicked sense of humor. In fact, you two should meet. I bet you'd get along great. But in no way, shape, or form are you to mention that I'm crazy about her if you do meet her.

002; video

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