ataraxion | one bad word. [video]

[Behold, all and sundry shipmates, a young woman, most likely unfamiliar to you all. She has dark hair, she's wearing expensive-looking sunglasses, she has a cigarette between her manicured fingers, and she's not smiling. As a matter of fact, she looks more bored than anything, which wouldn't be inaccurate. It's Penelope, and she's annoyed. Get accustomed to this.]

Okay, so. Quick question.

Are you seriously telling me that this spaceship is not only haunted as fuck, because it is obviously haunted as fuck, you guys, what the fuck is up with that, but nobody has tried to set up any wards or barriers or anti-evil magic protection of any kind? I mean come on, this should be like kindergarten baby shit. Surely somebody's tried something, but since there's no like, history books of this hideous floating evil space basement we all appear to be trapped in, I have to ask.

Nobody's tried magic? Seriously?

[There's a brief pause as she attends to her cigarette, and then it goes back to balancing between the fingers of her hand. She tends to gesture with it, vaguely, as she speaks, presumably for emphasis since her voice is a practiced monotone of affected disinterest. It's all extraordinarily irritating, and it's very much intended to be so.]

Apropos of nothing, since there's so many honest-to-god wolves on board, are there any werewolves around? I need a donation.

That's all. Back to your regularly scheduled cowering-in-fear-awaiting-all-our-inevitable-hideous-deaths, or whatever it is you do for fun around here.

[...That bit about the werewolves goes totally unexplained, because Penelope promptly ends the feed.]

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

[Pepper doesn't sound impressed, or really like anything at all. She actually sounds like she's multitasking, which she is.]

Some of us don't believe in magic.

Cool, I didn't ask what you believe and I don't care.

This isn't like some kind of children's theater play where if the audience doesn't clap hard enough the fairy dies, this is actual real life where actual real monsters are actually killing the actual fuck out of people all the goddamn time. I mean, Jesus Christ, this ship has a literal garden full of straight-up fantasy elves in it, and you think that magic is out of the question?

Could I maybe talk to someone about this that isn't clinically ignorant? Because you're kind of wasting my time. With your objectively wrong opinions. That I didn't ask for.

[Penelope is a lot of things. A nice, tolerant, patient person is not one of them. I am so, so sorry. It's not personal; this whole place terrifies her on a visceral level, and to be honest she's... like this with everybody. I repeat: I am so sorry.]

[ Also possibly not helpful in the matters of magic: Charles Xavier, who responds from his desk in his own quarters. Whatever he might be working on or reading is out of view, just the pencil being twiddled between his fingers. ]

Do you intend to?

Try magic.

[Pepper still doesn't sound the least bit insulted by Penelope's comments.]

I'm sure each person has tried every reasonable option from their world; but if you feel you can do better, then by all means ...

[She lets the comment trail off because she's clearly not convinced that Penelope will do any better then everyone else who's tried to change things around here.]

So I'm guessing you must know a thing or two about magic then?

And what do you need a werewolf for?

[Not that it matters. Really. He definitely doesn't know any werewolves who might need some magic.]

I'm sorry to interrupt here, but whether or not you believe in magic or come from a world where magic is used openly doesn't change that it's an effective force here and now.

I've tried and worked with it, but when the ship jumps things shift around and I can't speak for other people's magic, but it doesn't always last.

Ooh, yes, you're right. We've never, as a ship, thought to set up anything like that. No one's ever used magic for anything. In fact, we all just sat around, as a collective group, eating chocolates, waiting for you to arrive and set us straight, and thank God you've finally arrived, what took you so long.

Really.

[girl please. also suspicious on the werewolf front there thanks what is that about]

[well aren't you a treat.]

I don't know that I really want to get into this, but this ship? It's not haunted.

[Ianto's expression, were it visible, would be made of silent vitriol. No one reads the guide. No one reads the FAQ. He's agreeing with Sirius Black for God's sake. Why does he even bother?]

"A donation"
Meaning what, exactly?

Edited (edits hours later please forgive me) 2014-01-23 03:10 (UTC)

theres werewolves in here?

[except there's no voice

it's literally just the sound of applause and yes she went to the bother of setting her communicator down so she had two free hands to do that.]

A donation.

[BROW LIFT]

[and here's Loki, not looking terribly offended -- but certainly sounding quite patronizing, never mind the faint smile.]

Magic? Really? How has such a notion failed to cross my mind until now?

[Granny is glaring into the camera with her pointy hat very precisely placed on her head]

Magic ain't the best solution to most problems anyway. But folks've tried plenty of things, that included.

[Honestly why wouldn't someone have]

Well, even factoring in things like backfires and the old "it only pissed them off" scenarios, it's not like it could make things all that much worse around here. I mean, seriously. Why not, at this point?

[a vague shrug.]

I mean, it'd help to know what's been tried before and what didn't work then, or whatever. I'm not talking, like, offensive strikes against the whatever the hell it is trying to kill us all, I just mean like, warding.

Yeah, a couple. I want to shave one.

[.................so there's that!]

[FINALLY, someone who knows what they're talking about! Penelope sits forward, looking... well, about as pleased as she can look, wearing sunglasses indoors.]

Yeah, I read about that, the shifting hallways thing. That could be an issue. The whole "spaceship House Of Leaves" thing is really fucking disconcerting, by the way. I mean, practically speaking. That can't have been like, built into it on purpose. That's some grade-A haunting shit.

Like I can see how trying to set up a barrier ward around a physical area can be difficult when you've got no point of reference for where that area is in relation to anything else at a given time. Like there's no permanent landmarks, or whatever. That'd make something like that kind of impossible, unless you were going to weave some fluidity into the spell, and I wouldn't even know where to start with that. Wards aren't typically my thing. Hi, I'm Penelope.

[manners.]

[was not expecting applause but hey--!]

Thanks, I'm here all week, and all the weeks for the rest of the conceivable future as well.

Okay, but are you actually going to fill me in on that, or are you going to like, continue wasting my time. With the really piss-poor attempt at sarcasm, there.

[Penelope does not elaborate on the werewolf front!! Interested parties may inquire within, otherwise nunna yo beezwax, apparently!]

Uh huh. And you know this because you're the expert in haunted spaceships the size of New Jersey, or...?

[the great thing is that that's not meant as an insult, but as an actual inquiry. that's just about as nice as she gets, ever. enjoy that.]

Probably. There's big fuckoff wolves everywhere; it follows. Since there's definitely elves and witches running around, it probably wouldn't hurt to ask.

I need fur.

[a brief pause, for smoking. smoking is more important than talking to strangers. especially in this place, when everything is so goddamn fucked up. surely you will not begrudge her this.]

For an experiment.

Cool. Hey are you gonna be helpful, or just, you know, annoying? Because if the latter, you can just, like, fuck directly off.

[she shrugs, smoking. Help or don't, bro, no skin off her teeth!]

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one bad word. [video]

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