ataraxion | 02 test [Audio]

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02 test [Audio]

Cave Johnson here.

Welcome, newcomers and memory challenged individuals who may or may not recall if they've ever been here before. Seems we'll be getting a new batch of you every so often and in which case it's important to note you can refer to my pre-recorded messages anytime you need a re-introduction. Just push some buttons on that device you've received until you hear the sound of my voice.

In short, welcome to space. Space is fraught with perilous danger at every turn, and as such, recent space developments include reports of some kind of wild animal on the loose attacking people at random and feeding on their flesh. Don't know what it is! I'm bettin' on some manner of space vampire or space werewolf.

If by chance it is a space vampire or space werewolf and you notice yourself turning, don't panic, and please assemble what little is left of your morality and drag yourself into Medbay for immediate testing, or flag down the nearest Science personnel you see. [Cave gives a muted cough.] Chances are we'll have to fuse garlic into your skin or transfuse all the blood in your body with ~~Adamantium~~ liquid silver, in which case I'd advise not standing near or touching anything that conducts electricity.

Speaking of which, my personal assistant Wheatley has gone missing. Either he's lost or turned in which case do both me and you a favor and drag him to Medbay. Ginger kid, freckles, glasses, a little over five-foot, British accent, kinda' scrawny and lacks personal hygiene. Very important he's returned to me, ideally in one piece. He's been wanting to get himself back into a robot body, so multiple pieces should do just as good, but ideally in one piece.

Wily (or anyone else bored and interested in building a robot body ~~horror~~ for science) why don't you check out these blue prints I've been working on [which in actuality is more like an 80's looking hodgepodge of the two] and tell me what you think of them. Fantastic, right? I think the kid'll like them.

And if not and you can hear this Wheatley, I'm out of pain pills again. [Again with the cough--this time a bit less muted. Not for lack of trying, Cave kind of sounds like crap.]

I would really appreciate some.

Cave Johnson, we're done here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

... we should replace your lungs. Once we've proven the concept. Clear the cough right up.

Anyway. Yes, those are completely fantastic. Do you mind if I have a look at the physical copies...?

[Which he plans to completely revise because you've done the hydraulics ALL WRONG ~~and it needs more bullet belts and trench coats WAIT NO~~]

...Do you care for a consult, Mr. Wily? [There are not near enogh spikes on those robots]

[NNNNGH ROBOTS HIS BABBIES HIS PROJE must maintain civility.

Also, guy has pretty good taste in music so]

Speak.

Well, for one thing, we don't have the materials. [And he sure is not putting his parts stash toward THIS. I mean, help Wheatley? Whatever.] We're going to have to look and smaller, and--

[a few minutes of fiddling before he uploads with a new set of ideas, scribbled on the new sheet. It's pretty good stuff-- but Megamind is very good at making do with very little. Junkyard aesthetics.]

...

Oh. Hm.

[No no this is... this is very good. This is along Light's levels of good.

Oh.]

The use of materials especially here... you're used to making do, aren't you? Really excellent, yes and...

I like the spikes. Very nice. But, let me just... a few improvements to the way they move? Give me a few minutes.

[And then, later: He's used all the same materials, but it's mostly stuff to make the motion of the thing more fluidic and humanlike]

Lungs, right. Artificial lungs'll outlast my natural ones, no doubt.

The originals? Sure, they're back in my office, 001-143. I see you two have made improvements already.

Can we slap a mute button on there somewhere?

Mute button is totally doable.

Ooh. I like that! Much better compensator -- I hadn't considered-- I don't mind a less fluid movement, but that cold be convenient, yes.

[lungs whatever you two he doesn't' care his lungs are fine.]

Kid'll get all the mobility he needs dangling from a management rail. You know the lines that run the elevators all over this place? Something like that.

Ah, wait a moment! You don't mean to tell me that you're the Cave Johnson, do you? Oh, quelle coincidence! I have heard so much about you, I wasn't expected to get to speak with you directly!

[Oh flatter him some more why don't you!]

That's right, the one and only. To whom am I speaking?

My name is Justine Florbelle, but you can simply call me Justine. I spoke to an... associate of yours, earlier. I must admit, I was most intrigued.

Science is intriguing, and I'm glad we can can see eye-to-eye on that Justine.

Which associate was it? Might have to pocket him a raise for the good word, provided he isn't dead or in an alternate time, of course.

Yes, so I hear. And you know, it's a shame! But I don't think I actually caught her name. An obvious oversight on my part, I'll do my best to correct it in the future.

Oh well, his loss.

[Pause.]

Wait, you said her didn't you? [He could probably count the amount of female associates he knows he's hired on a single hand.] Her name wasn't Caroline, was it--Dark eyes, dark hair and good lookin' to boot too?

[gawd her face just.

it's just.

is this real life?

she frowns. why is she even responding to this it's not like she has to. because she doesn't. she just...can't get over it.]

[You're a glutton for science, that's what you are.

Cave peers back at the screen and raises an eyebrow. He's not about to forget you anytime soon, Aperture logo wearing lady.]

You again--I take it by your dumbfounded expression you're ready and willing to do some science again, for which I applaud you.

[Is that... is that possibly a... ASHPD... in your hands...]

[NOPE. nope. she's totally shaking her head. honestly she's dumbfounded because no one has aptly explained why you're alive again.

human robots are explainable. reversing death.....not-so-much.

and........it might be. maybe. it's not like she's holding onto it like a security blanket or anything no.]

[Are you kidding this guy spent his final years trying to figure out how to cheat death.

And in many regards he was quite successful.]

That there, in your hand--Where'd you get that?

[NOT THE SAME THING.

whatever he's asking about the thing in her hand. she looks down and...oh right of course he can see her holding something as big and as white as the ASHPD.

she points at her chest. okay at the logo on the chest of her tanktop.

at your stupid little facility of course where else.]

[Girl you did not pull that dual-portal device out of your cleavage.]

No, where did you get that specifically. Location.

Or maybe a time and location.

[NO THE LOGO ON HER SHIRT CAVE

THE LOGO

look see she even tugs her tank top out a little to emphasize this fact okay.]

[For a moment he can't decide if he should be mad she stole it or that she probably has the only fully-built, working copy in existence as of this moment but then he remembers she's a test subject; ergo, it's only natural for her to have one.

That's his product right there.]

That's the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device. No doubt you're familiar with how it works.

[His eyes depart from the screen for a moment to look in his surroundings. The Tranquility's environment as a whole doesn't seem too portal-surface friendly. Yes you can practically hear the gears in his head spinning.]

Why don't you give it a whirl test subject?

[SHE DOESN'T LIKE BEING CALLED TEST SUBJECT BUT......oh all right. she actually hasn't tried it yet, believe it or not.

never really was a need. no turrets to avoid, no puzzles to solve. she was just carrying it around as a security measure.

the video feed shifts a little as she puts it down. there's the sound of the Portal Device firing somewhere....and it sounds like it totally failed.

she tries again but yeah...

the feed returns to her and she shakes her head. SHE ACTUALLY LOOKS PRETTY DISAPPOINTED what if she needed her gun. it doesn't work.]

[There is a simple solution to that name thing. It might involve telling him it.]

Doesn't work, does it?

Your problem is the amount of portal-conductive surface area available--it just isn't here. You know what else isn't here? Moon rocks. Not inside anyway. Not yet.

Until then, we need to find some new surface areas to test out if we want to make some quantum space hole science happen.

[NEVER only person who knows her name from her world is GLaDOS. it's a special bond of theirs....or something.

idk.

anyway she lowers the device below camera (she has it propped up on a table or something now who knows) and examines it a bit as he continues to talk. it's weird.....having him talk about things that are actually relevant.

actually talking to her and not her as a general test subject.

there's a shrug and a nod. maybe she'll try shooting at random white walls. maybe that'll do something. but she still doesn't want to be subject to testing ugh.]

[Wait. That voice. Here? No. Nonononono that was not possible.

Oh my God why.

Can't handle right now nope.]

[Yes it's quite possible it's totally possible and totally real he's more than a recorded message.]

Hello! I'm not lost. I'm hiding from someone who wants to murder me. I will...get back to you when She does not want to murder me any more.

Wheatley? Where the hell have you been, the paperwork's been piling up without you around.

[Oh right, he said something about murder. Hold on.]

Who wants to murder you?

I know! I know. And. I'm sorry, it's just...very important to me that I stay alive long enough to get my brain back on a hard drive. Where it belongs.

GLaDOS. GLaDOS wants to murder me.

Well we'd work on that but your brain isn't physically around to pour it into a computer.

[GLaDOS...]

GLaDOS...?

Right. About that. Love the blueprints. Maybe...maybe we could get rid of the limbs, though, and...I don't want Megamind anywhere near this project, if that's all right. Just--just throwing that out there, now.

[no I don't want to talk about GLaDOS]

The, ah. Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System. GLaDOS.

GLaDOS.

Computer's trying to kill you.

She's a very murderous computer, sir.

Who built her? I want to see this lethal of machinery with my own eyes!

Uh. You did.

Well. Aperture did.

[ Frown. ] What sort of testing? What are you subjecting the passengers of this ship to?

Only the most advanced and fantastic science this space ship has ever seen.

If anyone's turned into some manner of space Dracula or Frankenstein we'll fix 'em right up, don't you worry.

Um. I don't think any of that actually made me feel better about all this.

You know what that is? That's the fear inside you, son. Fear is the mind's natural inhibitor, and much like a tumor, can easily be cut out of the body. In fact there's plenty of things that can be cut out of your body--vestigial organs like the appendix, and goose bumps.

Can't let it get to you, understand?

I dunno if it's fear. I think it might just be ew factor.

That was a load of nonsense.

Which part? The part about garlic skin or silver blood? Sure, it sounds crazy--you know what else sounded crazy? Sending a man to the moon! And taking back some of that moon, and grinding it up into into a portal-soluble gel. Crazy? Hah! Crazy worked.

Almost as crazy as collecting a mass of people from various points in time and space and stickin' them on a giant, city-sized space ship.

You call it nonsense, I call it science.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

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