voice

[welcome]

Hello, everyone. I hope you're all doing well -- or, at least, better than you were before. I had a lucid dream recently. I dreamed of constellations, of patterns, of meaning. Then I awoke and quickly wrote everything down, hands trembling, smearing ink across the page. I'm out of practice with pens.

In any case, I feel it is my professional duty to share these revelations with you. They are as follows:



Taurus: Don't worry, that's not a spider on your arm. That's just a stray hair. No, wait ... it is a spider. No, wait ... it's three spiders.

Cancer: Someday, your prince will come. He'll be riding a white horse with mud and gore smeared across its flanks. He will carry a sword, slick from the victory of recent campaigns to the south. He will have very unfortunate opinions about what you should do for him. You will find him despicable. But he will come. Someday.

Scorpio: Look in the mirror, Scorpio. Think about your shame. Consider the deep wrongness of everything you are and have ever done. Weep. Weep until your insides are salt.

Aries: You have won a spree! Choose any of the following: shopping; homicidal; Polyphonic.

Leo: You often wonder if people can see right through you. They can, but I assure you: your organs are beautiful.

Sagittarius: You will meet the person of your dreams. This person will be even more terrible than you imagined. Run as fast as you can. Never stop. Change your name. Change your identity. Whatever you do, don't let them catch you.

Aquarius: The stars have heard your desperate plea. They are weirded out, and would prefer to avoid contact for a while.

Pisces: A loved one will soon suffer deeply. As we all will. As we all must. So, you know, maybe offer up a hug now and then.

Capricorn: Boy, are you in for a surprise!

Virgo: I'm so very sorry. [a pause.] That's an apology from the stars, not from me. Though, of course, I am also very sorry, if necessary.

Gemini: Your smile shines with the light of a thousand suns. Please stop. We are burning to death.

Libra: The path of excess leads to the tower of wisdom. The tower of wisdom is mostly full of useless platitudes, though.

Ophiuchus: Are you even real? We don't think so. If this sign applies to you, please cease your existence immediately.

Comments

[voice]

[yardbird]

[Horoscopes, huh?]

Er, which one's November? [Someone might sound a little embarrassed for not knowing his zodiac well enough. For shame.]

[welcome]

[Cheerfully.]

Scorpio covers most of that month, but there's a bit of Sagittarius in there, too.

video;

[longestnose]

...what are these words? Fortunes?

[They don't have horoscopes in Middle Earth.]

[welcome]

In some cases. Occasionally the stars aren't telling the future; they're just trying to have a conversation.

[kutte]

All the trappings from home, even the goddamn horoscope. You're doing a public service, man.

[welcome]

[He beams.]

Why, thank you! I do try my best to serve any community of which I am part.

video.

[ex_question191]

Shopping.

[welcome]

An excellent and mercifully bloodless choice.

[makedo]

[ as if he didn't already think you were full of shit and completely crazy... ]

Yeah, right.

[welcome]

[Brad looks at Cecil and sees 'crazy'; Cecil looks at Brad and sees 'racist'.]

Usually.

voice;

[handelaar]

[Dude is not one for the network, but despite this entire post being bullshit, there is something really annoying about it and he can't let it alone.]

They're not in order.

[welcome]

Order?

voice

[seered]

What's your sign?

[welcome]

That depends. Sometimes it's 'yield'. Occasionally it's 'please pay at machine'. Or 'bullock cart prohibited'.

[tinytactician]

[Give him a moment to look over some datapads because he doesn't have any idea what this means, but --]

...salt?

[welcome]

Yes. Most definitely salt.

[klutziness]

I'll probably just steal his horse then.

[welcome]

That's smart. He sounds like he deserves it.

voice;

[thebreakingwave]

Thank you. My organs and I are reassured.

[welcome]

We're happy to be of service.

Video;

[allfatherissues]

And have you truly the gift of foresight? Or merely deception under guise of fair diversion?

[he smiles, though, a touch amused]

[welcome]

Deception? Never! Accuracy? Sometimes.

voice;

[sweetmotherofgod]

[EYE TWITCH. She knows that voice.]

Who are you?

[welcome]

That's a big question, but I could try to work it out if you're really interested. Do you have a lot of time on your hands?

[endureandsurvive]

how do u know this stuff?

[welcome]

Dreams, which I then interpret to the best of my ability. The stars tend to be pretty clear with me, though.

[invisibilitea]

Are you sure that these are real?

[welcome]

They're as real as anything else. Which is to say: who knows?

[conspiracytheory]

So which one's yours, man?

[welcome]

Good question! However, I seem to have forgotten my birthday. I'll let you know when it comes to me.

[endeavors]

... you're kinda unusual, aren't you?

[welcome]

Me? No, sir. Just an average American, here. Maybe a little provincial. I do come from a small town.