ataraxion | voice, the second } crack kills

[ THIS IS FORWARD DATED spike would usually do this up on video but given the chaos and just how shitty he looks-- oh, yeah, if you haven't seen spike in a bit there's a reason for it. he looks like death. literally. skinny, sallow, low-energy. he's not even quipping like he should be. he's scarcely been here ninety days, but without blood, he's not healing like he should. these demons are giving him the go around and he doesn't like it. so have a raspy english voice, sounding much tireder than usual, which really everyone should expect given the theme around here. ]

I'll tell you all, I've seen an apocalypse or two in my day. And this? This is a bloody disaster.

Floor 22, Room 17. I've got some weapons and hiding spots, but that's not what I'm on about. I'll see you all in the trenches anyway. [ he takes a breath, he might be smoking. ]

...This blood situation, yeah? For us vamps. [ pauuuuuse ] It's wrong, and I'll tell you why it's wrong. This might be a bloody big ship, but it's going to start seeming a whole hell of a lot smaller if we keep handing over human to them--us. To us.

I don't drink human blood, it's a life choice. Let's use an analogy. Now, I talked to an expert on the subject so let's call 'blood' ... 'heroin.' And let's call bagged blood something they call 'methadone.' That's a drug used to bring someone down off scag, if you didn't know. But it doesn't work, and neither does this. Drinking it from a bag? Well. Just makes someone want the real thing.

Over on the Cyllene, guy name of Jayne told me to look for Dr. Tam up in the med bay? But I'm sorry, doc, and anyone else who might have a hand in that concoction -- I don't trust it. Don't ruddy well trust anyone with a beaker and I've got good reason.

There's got to be another way.

[ he hangs up rather abruptly, it takes a lot to get a rise out of him like this. it took the perfect cocktail of starvation, sleeplessness, nightmares and demons from his homeworld but now he's here and he's mad. and yeah, no that's basically it. ]

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Then help me to understand, Spike. I'm a friend.

[ a friend. that shouldn't hurt as much as it does. ]

...I'm afraid. Afraid of what it'll do to me.

What I might do, after.

A bender? [ seemed an apt way to describe it. perhaps not the most delicate. ]

I'd like to believe that you could keep yourself in check if someone were to offer what you obviously need. [ bela lets that hang there for a few moments, falling silent. ]

[ he takes in a shallow breath, letting out a longer, shakier one. ]

What are you saying? [ it sounded meek and small, even to his own hyper-tuned ears. ]

I'm offering.

[ there. it's out in the open now and maybe she was crazy for even suggesting it but Bela didn't want him to get any worse. ]

You don't mean that. [ he grit his teeth, he wouldn't use her that way. ]

I do. You helped me before so I want to repay it. Otherwise, you'll just waste away.

I had a couple free drinks with you. I didn't do anything. [ he just sounds defeated. ]

You got me through a difficult time when I needed it the most.

It's not the same.

Then what is your solution?

I'm working on it.

You might be incapacitated by the time you figure it out.

Why do you care? [ it's quiet, non-accusatory. a genuine, heartfelt question. ]

Because someone should. Everyone needs at least one person to care.

[ his chest is aching directly and he's so so grateful this is voice. ]

You wouldn't. Not if you understood who-- what I really am.

I'm not exactly a good person either, Spike. You can't just make assumptions about what I would or wouldn't think or do.

But you're not a killer.

Interesting how you say that.

...Yeah, go on. [ he froze. she had said she hadn't, but he knew this not sleeping thing was making his tongue looser. had she lied to him before? ]

Does it still count if it was indirect? [ she needs to make that distinction before saying anything further. maybe she shouldn't have said a damn thing in the first place. ]

[ he lets out a breath and shakes his head to himself, though she can't see it. ]

I'm not-- this isn't a contest, Bela. You don't want to know the things I've done. To atone for them means-- [ everything. ]

Can't change any of it, like we talked about. No erasing what's done. But I can pave a new way, be a different man than I was.

Then I won't ask about them. [ because she could only imagine how gruesome they were and if he didn't want to talk about it, then bela would respect that. ]

And I can understand that. Completely. But it would be impossible to achieve when you're half starved and unable to do anything at all.

[ deep down he knows that, he really does. but buffy had taught him to always hope. to never give up on what's truly important. and with her here... complicated emotions were rising up. ]

Maybe you should be asking. Most people want to know what they're getting into.

I'm not like most people. Your past is your past and it would be rich of me to judge you, especially after the life I've lead.

[ clint didn't give a damn about her past history and he had been a positive influence on her. Bela didn't want to slip back into old habits. ]

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