ataraxion | ( 14 ) video ✶ into the water let it pull him under don’t you lift him let him drown alive

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( 14 ) video ✶ into the water let it pull him under don’t you lift him let him drown alive

[ the feed opens on two pairs of feet; one large, one smaller. then jenna's voice comes through. ]

Tell you what. I'm going to leave you here, with this broadcasting-- [ the shot jerks a little, exposing an empty and spotless kitchen. ] and that way you can have something to talk to while I try and figure out where we are right now. I'll be back in a flash, you've seen how fast I can move now, and you know I'll hear you. Okay?

[ not waiting for an answer, jenna presses her comm into desmond’s hand and brings it up a little, so his chest is in frame, squeezing his shoulder with her other hand. ] I'll be right back, I promise.

Right. [Desmond sounds... Well shellshocked and crazy pretty much covers it. You can hear him swallow in that sort of pained, half-panting way, like he's out of breath and can't quite manage to calm himself down.] Assuming anyone's still out there, yeah? [He might be talking to Jenna, but she’s already gone. The comm shifts violently, flashing to Desmond’s face for only a half second (long enough to see he has both eyes and doesn't seem to be missing anything vital) and then to the ceiling and then back to the floor.] I don't understand what more it wants from me. Three bloody years of my life, pushing a damned button wasn't enough. I've been to the heart. I saw the light again. It was supposed to put me back. It was supposed to- [The camera swings by so fast you can easily tell that Desmond was gearing up to smash it against the nearest wall before-]

--whoa whoa, hey. Hey, it's okay. It's okay, I'm right here. Des? Desmond? [ she crouches down, taking the comm back into her own hands and setting it on the counter, where it films the tops of their heads for the moment. ] We're fine, look. We're even back in the main part of the ship, so that trek back is cancelled. I'm--

[ she pauses, hand reaching up into the picture again as she reaches for the comm, setting in on her upraised knees so it's more or less centered on the two of them, looking a whole lot worse for the wear. ]

If someone could prove big brother is always watching and figure out what floor we're on for me, that would be great. Who needs civil liberties, anyway? --don't get any extra ideas, Nathan. [ there's a tinge of forced, unnatural cheer to her tone, and her gaze darts over to desmond every few moments as if she needs to make sure he's there and fine. ] And maybe whoever pulls rescue duty, bring him something with a lot of sugar in it? That would be great.

[Desmond rubs his face, weary.] Someone tell Tyke I found what I was lookin' for, yeah? It's all true.

[ she inhales, about to add something else; then she shakes her head, lips pressed together in a tired line and jabs the off button. ]

( ooc | they're on floor thirty eight, where they were dumped after being rescued by ward from some Seriously Bad Metaplot Shit. colors for ease: jenna and desmond. )

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Right. Yes; that sounds like her. And the fact that it sounds like her, when nothing was really supposed to sound like her again - ]

Not yourself?

Me too, but later. I'm okay for now.

Are you okay?

[Professionalism is always easier than emotionality, so he gives the cool and professional response - the sort of response he'd give to anyone in this situation. Even if he didn't love them.]

Due to the recent events involving the elevators and the hallways, security has been somewhat overburdened. However, after a few days of scrambling to catch up, we have things largely under control. Was it these events in which you were caught up, as it were?

Edited 2013-03-02 17:16 (UTC)

I'd rather do this voice, but I don't want to set Desmond off.

I didn't ask how the ship is doing, I asked how you're doing. You can be as mad at me as you want, Miles, and I'll accept it because I honestly deserve it. But please before we start that, let me know how you you.

[There's a long, long pause, and then a desolate answer:]

I didn't expect you to come back.

But I'm here, Miles. I wouldn't leave you.

It's not a matter of will, though. No one has the power to decide whether or not they will die.

[Then, after a pause:]

Apologies. You just returned, and I am ambushing you.

Edited 2013-03-02 17:56 (UTC)

It's okay, honey. I love you anyway.

[ because he won't ask to hear it. ]

[And that's hard to read, unexpectedly hard, and he can't help but ask the raw and vulnerable question - ]

Why did you go?

My excuse was Desmond needed someone to keep him safe. And that's true, he did.

But the bigger part is that I'm not-- there are things that have happened to me, things I went through and things I did because I had to in the moment that I didn't handle very well. I felt... powerless. Sidelined.

I wanted to feel like I had control over my life again, and admittedly like the only things I'm good for aren't long talks and meals and being told to stay inside and safe.

Lots of time to think, hiking through the ship.

But you didn't even say anything. You didn't say goodbye.

I wouldn't have gone, if I had.

I don't want to sound selfish, and I know I do, but that really seemed better to you? To just leave the rest of us wondering?

I told myself I was definitely going to be fine and come back.

But I was being selfish myself. It wasn't fair, and if I hadn't come back I would have been hurting a lot of people-- not on purpose or maliciously, but it would have happened.

I try to be the best person I can, Miles, but I'm only human. I screw up, a lot, and this was just a massive scale example.

[There's a pause, because it's just too much for him; the emotion is simply too overwhelming. So he types with difficulty:]

I am sorry; I need about 20 minutes; can I come back to this in about 20?

Take as much time as you need, I understand.

And I am sorry. Not for doing something that at the time felt necessary, but for hurting you in the process. That's never, ever okay by me.

[That goes unanswered for twenty-six minutes, during which he takes a shower and hugs his dog. Finally he comes back to it, calmer and more able to formulate reasonable thoughts.]

All right; I am back. I would like, if possible, to make certain of a few things from you.

Of course.

[ bracing for impact in five, four, three... ]

You won't ever do that again, right?

Most definitely not planning on it, no.

You will give your word?

I can't promise I won't ever go out there again, but I can promise I won't do it without telling you.

Then okay.

I love you, Miles. And I'm so, so sorry I made you worry or hurt.

text fuck you MY heart

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