ataraxion | ( 13 ) video ✶ she puts her makeup on like graffiti on the walls of the heartland

[ normally, this kind of thing starts with jenna scattered, or looking slightly surprised that recording is actually happening. none of that, for once; instead she's sitting in one of the therapy rooms, behind a desk with her comm propped up enough to see a truly righteous amount of brightly colored pillows behind her. she's calm, cool, collected and super prepared, there may be notes involved.

she has a handout, y'all. ]

I have a speech I put together so I'm just going to launch into it, and I'll do the social skill stuff after, honest. [ a deep breath. ] Okay, so. Between earlier in the month with Tony, and-- other conversations, I've realized that there might be more confusion about what therapy is and what it can do for people than I had thought. So! Consider this one woman's very, very biased take on it.

Therapy is, in an overly simplified hippie way, trying to help people heal their brains and their hearts. Not the actual organs-- thoughts and feelings. It's working through problems that keep you from living your life as well as possible.

There are a lot of fields and specialties but I'm going to talk about my preferences and style, since-- I'm kind of it, right now, when it comes to the traditional discipline side of things.

[ looking down again, at an out of frame notebook, jenna takes a breath. ]

The first thing I want to say is I'm not stuck on sitting in chairs and talking about your childhood. If you want to take a pillow and beat the wall and then talk about music? It's your session, go ahead. That doesn't mean we can do whatever you want, but it does mean I understand that opening up to a total stranger is hard and admittedly sucks and most of you don't know me well enough to just assume you can trust me. That's okay-- it's smart, actually. And if you'd like to start seeing me, we can work on building that trust, but I don't expect it to just magically appear because I say I'll do my best to help you.

Uh-- right, second point. I can go over this more in detail one on one, but I'm not a licensed therapist, I'm a grad student. A grad student would be like... a master apprentice? Almost to being a master maker of whatevers myself, but just a year or two shy. Anyway, that makes what I'm doing illegal, back home-- not to mention a million kinds of unethical and more than a little gross. Believe me, I know, and I didn't really set out to declare myself Space Therapist. If me not being licensed makes you uncomfortable I completely understand and respect a desire to hold out for someone who isn't still midway through their thesis, but it was pointed out that until then I should offer for people who don't mind.

...and a quick third: at home, I'd never see clients in a social situation. No one would know about my life, my problems or bad habits, anything like that. But this isn't home and you may see me at the bar, so if that would make you uncomfortable I also understand, but we make do with what we have up here.

[ she clears her throat and taps a few keys. ]

Here, I put together an informal quick list about what therapy is and isn't.

THINGS THERAPY IS

✔ TOTALLY NORMAL. Therapy is, in a nutshell, signing up to make someone else focus solely on you and what you need help with for the length of a session. It doesn't make you: crazy/weak/stupid/fill in the negative word. Anyone who says they couldn't use that up here is... not being quite honest, in my opinion. Which is fine-- but don't shame people who want to take the step, if you could.

✔ A SAFE PLACE TO TALK ABOUT YOURSELF. I'm not saying therapists don't judge people, but as far as sessions go you can tell me you like to think about Spencer Pratt in a positive way and I won't raise an eyebrow.

✔ CONFIDENTIAL. Anything you tell anyone in the department stays in the department.

Note: If you tell me you plan to kill someone, I will rat you out. Same goes for anything morally reprehensible or (earth-based, which is my personal frame of reference) illegal.

THINGS THERAPY IS NOT

✗ HEAD SHRINKING. Guys, can we put a hold on this one? I'm begging you, people will think I shrink literal heads. That's not what I do, I promise.

✗ LAYING ON A COUCH WHILE I STARE AT YOU FROM EIGHT FEET AWAY. That's The Sopranos, not life. I promise here and now "but how does that make you feel" will never leave my mouth.

✗ ONLY ABOUT HUGE PROBLEMS. We've all been kidnapped to space, and a lot of us weren't aware that was even an option. If "therapy" for you needs to be code for "rant about how you were fine before and now everything is unfair and sucky"? Go for it.

...I think that's about it for the official side.

[ and with that the attempt at Serious Posture and Mature Gravity fades back into something more naturally jenna. ]

Now I get to be normal life Jenna, not therapist Jenna. [ offering a wave. ] Hey, new people-- I'm Jenna, if you missed Tony's last scientific doom post. I mentioned it there too, but again: if you don't mind being expected to lend a hand helping in some way or another, dinners happen nightly on the kitchen nearer to the lower numbered rooms, floor one. It's not exciting food, but I can promise it won't completely suck and there will be enough for anyone. Anyone who wants something fancy can... make it for themselves, pretty much.

...does anyone do haircuts, on a completely different end note? We can talk trading if you want, I just need a trim. [ her mouth twitches, mischievously. SUP CHAPEL. ] And a friend told me it's good to make sure people know how to cut hair to the right length before you ask for the haircut in the first place.

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We need to talk.

[ and by 'we' she means 'i' and by 'talk' she means 'punch you in the face'. ]

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I don't know, a younger man and a king? I'm not sure I could resist.

[ robb GOLD STAR ONLY A REAL ONE not a scoot one. ]

But I meant my literal hands, anyway. I think I should skip the fancy talk, I always do it wrong.

[ a beat, and a little more tentatively; she's tried to keep from mentioning alayne (sansa, she knows, but without permission given she's sticking to the name, even if the honor that bestows is only in her head) but maybe enough time has gone by robb can hear good memories, ones he shares with people onboard and not family disappeared home. ]

Like, maybe a couple months after you hired m-- after I pledged, I mean, Alayne asked me if she could make an actual banner. I wasn't thinking and I made a joke about 'as long as it isn't a bottle'. I think I maybe shocked her, a little bit.

[ for a long moment robb's quiet. alayne. sansa. the loss of her had cut, left something painful in its wake. ]

Her name was Sansa. We'd meant to speak more plainly of it, but she was gone so quickly, before we'd had a chance.

[ too quickly. they'd been all together and then they'd been gone, fractured and split apart once again. ]

She never forgot what you did for her. Nor shall I.

I didn't mind waiting. You're-- everything you are to me, and even if she hadn't been just as special on her own that would make her worth it.

[ she pauses, inhaling and measuring out her words slowly. ]

If it doesn't help to talk about her, we don't have to. But I thought if you wanted to talk, if might help to have someone who has memories of here, not just home. [ and now her words speed up, apologetically. ] That sounded wrong. I just mean that remembering she was here, too, might... help.

[ because then she isn't just a memory or a ghost; she's a girl, flesh and blood, and she was here.

jenna shrugs helplessly. ]

I think I just mean if it would ever help to talk to someone who cared for her here, I think I promised you 'whenever you need anything' at one point.

I want to speak of her.

[ robb's quiet, each word weighed down with loss. his family is a broken, scattered thing. he has so few left, and when they go, when shall he see them again? ]

The longer I stay here, the harder it is to remember. I wouldn't forget her.

Whenever you want or need or just... feel like it, I don't know, I'm here.

I'm pretty functionally immortal, Robb. I mean, sure, cut my head off and I'm toast but without extreme measures I'll be around for a while, and I'm not planning to see what happens if I go home.

[ a beat, because that's the first time she's coldly set it out: it's not that she can't go home, it's that the risks of finding out if that's true aren't worth it, not anymore. here she's alive at least. here she can protect people, make a difference at all. ]

And as long as I'm around, she won't be forgotten.

[ this is his bannerwoman. robb bows his head, a king acknowledging the gift laid at his feet, but it is so much more. it is jenna's promise to bear the memory of his sister, keep her alive even when robb cannot. this is a gift that cannot be repaid, so robb must accept it with honor, and with grace. ]

Thank you, Jenna. It seems such a small thing to say in return, but I am truly grateful to you for this.

It's not like I'm doing much, but at least it's something.

...or, alternately: you're welcome, it's my honor.

[ because right, Playing Medieval Dressup. ]

( 13 ) video ✶ she puts her makeup on like graffiti on the walls of the heartland

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