002 ↓ [video; cutting it way close before the network goes kaput doop doop]

[biffail]

[Santa Claus is on the network, ladies and gents. Complete with white fluffy beard, the red suit trimmed with white and adorned with big white puff balls that are supposed to be mockeries of buttons. He smiles, then takes off his hat and the beard to reveal that he's just Larry Butz, laughing.] 

Hayley said we were gonna have Sintermas or Sinterthing or whatever it's called, which is like Christmas. So it's a good thing I got this from the last jump, huh?

[Larry waves the Santa hat to illustrate his point. Then - brace yourselves - he breaks into song with his own little parody of a certain famous Christmas carol. His singing voice is...uh...not too terrible, but it's not good at all and he tends to hit the wrong notes at times.]

Dashing through the stars,
On board the Tranquility,
We're gonna go really far...

...

[He stops right after that, though, scratching his head. His grin becomes more sheepish.]

I...I dunno what comes next. Oh well, I hope everyone's been nice this year, 'cause we all know what happens when you've been naughty!

[A beat. The grin fades into a more clueless look. He says the next several words more to himself than to the network.]

I wonder if we have any coal...or anything to make gifts with...

[Private to Phoenix Wright]

[Larry's voice is more worried now, and has an edge of urgency.] Nick! Have you seen Maya? I can't call her up or anything...

Comments

[chaineddog]

What comes next is that you could shut the fuck up.

[Sorry, Larry. Heine isn't the most festive or happy of guys.]

[biffail]

[Oh, Heine. C'mon, don't be such a party pooper.]

Hey, you can't shut the holiday spirit up!

[chaineddog]

[His middle name is party popper, Larry.]

No, but I could probably shut you up and that would be close enough.

[biffail]

Hey, that's not nice! You'd get put on the naughty list for sure!

[chaineddog]

[A snort.]

I haven't been on the nice list in a really long time. Don't plan to any time soon either.

[biffail]

C'mon, why not? Maybe you can get a few nice things done before Sinterclaus!

[chaineddog]

'Sinterclaus'? What the fuck?

[biffail]

Don't ask me, ask Hayley! It was her idea.

text;

[tg]

dashing through the stars
on board a ship from hell
we might have gone real far
but theres no way to tell
the captain likes to hide
his right hand hates our guts
the ship itself wants us to die
and naught can save our butts

oh fuck this shit fuck your shit
fuck shit all the way
on board the tranquility we all will die someda-ay
fuck this shit fuck your shit
fuck shit every day
if christmas comes and were not gone well be fucked anyway

text;

[biffail]

Is that really what comes next?

[Whoa, man.]

text;

[tg]

do i seem jocular to you
do you sense any old man beer belly style joviality jiggling on my jingling

text;

[biffail]

Are you supposed to be Scrooge or something?

By the way, it's probably a milk-and-cookies belly.

text;

[tg]

if it means i get to roll in the boonbanks and the big bucks
then hell fucking yes

by milk and cookies belly you mean
the belly of a glutinous old lech who forces nine flying reindeer to pull his fat ass across the world so he can commit socially acceptable acts of violating chimneys

text;

[biffail]

But if you're Scrooge, then ghosts are gonna visit you at night! Isn't that how the story goes?

text;

[tg]

sure lets go with that
the ghosts of christmas past present and future are going to brave the countless lightyears between me and them for the sole purpose of making me stop being greedy in a spaceship currently lacking an economy
dont you think theyve got better things to do
different scrooges to haunt or tiny tims to feel up
you know
back on earth

text;

[biffail]

You don't know what those ghosts are thinking of! What if they wanted to see you, as in you?

text;

[tg]

then theyd be getting their astronaut on for nothing
see i dont know what you people went and decided on your own but according to my timeline its may fucking 12th
the closest holiday is memorial day
a day which america and christmas spirits both are pretty unopinionated on

text;

[biffail]

Do ghosts even need to get their astronaut on? I mean, they don't breathe, right? They're dead.

text;

[tg]

how do you know ghosts dont breathe
you ever been dead before
also ghosts that primarily haunt earth based misers still need to launch their shit after me if they plan to haunt me out in the void
youre not thinking of the technicalities here

text;

[biffail]

Ghosts don't breathe because they're dead! I don't need to be dead to know that!

[the_vishual]

What happens if you've been naughty? Is he a malevolent God, punishing those that have failed him?

[biffail]

Santa's not a god. He's this jolly old man who brings good people presents! Those who are naughty get lumps of coal, but that's pretty much it.

[Oh, but Larry, in France, Santa is accompanied by someone who leaves licorice whips...]

[the_vishual]

But how does he know?

[biffail]

That's the thing! No one really knows how.

[the_vishual]

Then he, like I, is able to be omniscient? [ A beat. ] By that logic, it's possible I could be santa claus.

[biffail]

[He blinks in surprise and his eyes widen, and his jaw drops.] Omniwha - h-hey, wait, why?

[Larry would totally think this is a good idea if he weren't flabbergasted right now.]

[the_vishual]

It's true.

Perhaps I'm santa.

[biffail]

[Larry looks at her long and hard, unblinking.]

You know when people are asleep and when they're awake, then?

[the_vishual]

Correct.

[biffail]

...well, Santa's gotta be able to fit in all the chimneys so maybe he can change how he looks, too...

Which means...

[Which means this little girl could indeed be Santa in another body.]

[the_vishual]

I am Santa Claus?

[biffail]

...

Yeah. You could be Santa Claus...

[the_vishual]

I didn't know there was another person like me in your world--that's pretty neat to hear. I'm Santa Claus!

[biffail]

M-Maybe in another world, Santa Claus takes a different form! It could make sense!

[the_vishual]

How else would I know everything?

[biffail]

Whoa, now it really does make sense!