008; Voice

[andblockbuster]

 [Welcome back to another exciting adventure in the world of Topher Brink. There's a methodical clanking of tools and, once again, it seems Topher has turned his communicator on with the purpose of saying something, and then gotten distracted. Luckily, you're not stuck with ten minutes of dead silence with the actual sounds of someone working. In fact, it's only a few seconds before he starts talking.]

Sometimes I really think I'm the only one who doesn't spend an hour of every... relative day, I guess, thinking how bad I wanna go home. Don't get me wrong. I didn't get possessed by demons or nearly assimilated into a hive mind or chewed on by hellbeasts back home, and all of those things suck, but... It's not that bad. Everyone dies eventually, right? Why not die in space. ...Okay, so it's a touch cynical and I know- I'm terrifying the children. Cover their ears, ban that last bit from future broadcasts, whatever... The point is...

[There's a pause, followed by a pained noise, because genius here probably pinched his fingers or something.] The point is, uh... [Oh, did he have a point? He totally had one.]

... I don't remember what the point is, but I'll tell you something else. Hayley's post got me thinking about the whole... lack of dates thing. And I know it doesn't mean much to most of you, but it was, like... Late May or something when I showed up here and I've been here for eight months now, which means if time in space weren't so kerflooey, it'd be late January. So that means I'm 28 years old now, which... Yeah, that means exactly what I'm implying.

And this is not some big extravagant plea for gifts or attention or anything. I was just thinking about how this time last year, my birthday went by unnoticed and most of the time... Yeah, let's just say I've never had many people to celebrate it with. But here... If I said I wanted to gather some of my buddies up and sit in a common room and... I dunno, raid the library for something watchable and eat cake... It could happen. Not that I'm suggesting that either, because I have my doubts about whether the library has the best kind of bad science fiction when we're living the best kind of bad science fiction, but I could do it. And that means a lot to me.

Ah, I found my way back to the point. With all the bad stuff that happens here and the imminent badness continuing to loom over us and the fact that we miss the people we left behind back home... We can't forget that for some of us... This stupid ship has actually given us something. Fresh starts, the families we never knew we needed, friends, whatever. And that's a good thing.

[There's a thoughtful sigh.] I dunno. It does kinda make a guy wonder what happens if we do all go home. Sure, we lose all the bad things, but what about the stuff we actually wanna remember?

Comments

[andblockbuster]

You're not gonna keel over dead anyway. [Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology.]

So am I and you don't have any problems with me. [A beat.] ...Anymore.

[Look, he was nice and didn't point out that INSUFFERABLE IS KINDA RELATIVE WITH THIS GROUP OF PEOPLE.]

are you ready for this WHEATLEY'S BOMB-ASS ENCRYPTION 20%!???!??

[testgasm]

Not yet.

[BUILD IT FASTER.]

Fine, all right, point, but you don't--

[SIGH.]

You don't talk to me like I'm an idiot, okay? At least. Not. Anymore.

encrypted 80% FOREVER. And also you get the "you tried" star.

[andblockbuster]

[Should he even... fix that. Yeah, okay. He'll fix it.]

Working on it as we speak. Until then, homicidal robot problems aside, you are not gonna... drop dead. I swear on my tech, which may have nearly caused the end of western civilization, but has always worked. [EXCEPT THAT ONE TIME HE TURNED ECHO INTO A SERIAL KILLER.

BUT THAT WAS THE ONE TIME.

There's some hesitation. And a squeaking wrench to break the otherwise awkward silence.]

I don't think you're an idiot anymore. [Kinda dumb, yes, but no more dumb than most people he knows, but he's never seen Wheatley's programming at its worst and he has blind faith on his side and blah, blah, Topher, you suck at not trusting the wrong people.]

[testgasm]

[yaaaaaaaay]

I know you don't, we've had this discussion, but that's the big difference between you and--

Well, most of the people on this ship, to be honest.

[andblockbuster]

And that, mon robo frere [his fake French accent is as bad as his British accent, just so we're clear], is why we're bros. Because I get you. There's not much either one of us can do about what they think, though.

[testgasm]

[For once, it's all good. Wheatley don't speak French.]

Yes, I suppose that's true.

[Except he's not really sure he gets Topher, because humans are weird.]

Doesn't stop it from getting old, though.

[andblockbuster]

[No one gets Topher. Because he's Topher.]

Yeah, but I usually just bust out the smarm to counter it. People are a lot less likely to be jerks to people who get smugly superior with them over everything.

[Because what Wheatley really needs is to be encouraged to be more smarmy.]

[testgasm]

[YES BUT YOU'RE A GENIUS YOU'RE ACTUALLY SMART

is what he wants to say

but he doesn't

because he's Wheatley.

And he's sort of poking around and reading these birthday threads and cake threads and watching Real Human Friendships happen and it sort of makes him just the tiniest bit uneasy.]

I mean, that works well. For you. People seem to like it, you know.

[andblockbuster]

It didn't... always work like this. [Now it's Topher's turn to sound uneasy. He doesn't know what he's doing so right here that he did so wrong back home, but he's pretty sure he has a theory.] Sometimes I think I'm actually doing something wrong that I'm coming by friends so naturally. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop or something.

[testgasm]

[Oh god confusing human feelings are happening and he doesn't really know how to talk human feelings.]

I don't--I'm not exactly sure what you mean. By that.

[andblockbuster]

Meaning that pretty much every relationship I've ever had I've come by about the same way I've come by... Well, this one. [FEEL SPECIAL, WHEATLEY.] We fight, we somehow bond through impossible odds, and we come out of it as unlikely friends, and it's supposed to mean something 'cause we've been at each others' throats. I always had to work at it. So it's weird when I don't. Not... bad-weird. Just... Kinda constantly waiting for it to implode weird.

[Confusing human feelings are hard. Even for the confusing humans.]

[testgasm]

Oh, right. Yeah, I get it.

[What he does not say is that he is definitely going to be the one to ruin everything probably.]

Makes...sense. I'm not--nothing's going to implode, don't worry.

[I'm programmed to make things implode.]

[andblockbuster]

Thanks. [NONE THE WISER.] It's probably just irrational paranoia. I mean, you've seen how much of a jerk I can be- that's just... Me. I'm not that worried about you coming to the realization I'm not whatever they must think I am. [Which is, like, indirectly saying YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND.

TRY NOT TO FUCK IT UP.

No pressure.]

[testgasm]

[MY MIDDLE NAME IS FUCKUP

SHIT]

What are you worried about them realizing? Is it the shady brain business? Because it's really not that big of a deal.

They do like you, though. Practically falling all over themselves to bake you cakes.

[JEALOUS? May...be...]

[andblockbuster]

Not to you. But you've seen Claire freak out about it- now times that by all the righteous indignation on this ship and you get... I dunno. Triple that. [He huffs.] Edgeworth's already dropped me. Tony's still ticked at me for trying to help him out, which, yeah, I screwed that up massively, but still.

[He just has a lot of feelings.]

I'm strangely surprised by it. [Awkward pause. HE KNOWS THAT TONE. HE HAS FELT THAT TONE MANY TIMES.] You wanna talk jealousy? Dirk's cooler than both of us and he wears anime sunglasses. That is low. And I'm sure he never let his big massive sciencey brain almost break the world.

[testgasm]

Why would you want to be friends with Edgeworth, anyway?

[Really dude. Tony, he can see. Tony's infuriating, but smart and probably useful. EDGEWORTH...not so much.]

I'm not jealous. Who said anything about jealousy? I'm just making an observation--people seem very excited about the prospect of baking you multiple cakes.

[andblockbuster]

Because I'm fascinated by morally judgmental people, and he reminds me of someone from home, so it was comforting for awhile. ...Actually, it still is comforting, but in a frenemy kinda way.

[HE HANGS OUT WITH YOU, DUDE...]

Maybe they just want an excuse to eat cake. Ward could come up on the network tomorrow and say it's his birthday and I'm sure, like, five people would be happy to bake him a cake, even if they put "Worst Captain Ever" on the icing.

[testgasm]

You just said you don't want to go home, though. And anyway, that would imply Ward was on the network.

[LOOK I MADE A JOKE

AHAHAHAahAHAHHhgjklfjkdtime to ruin it]

Nobody likes Ward. Nobody's going to bake him a cake.

[andblockbuster]

I don't. That doesn't mean I don't miss some things. [Okay, he'll give you that. That was... mildly funny. Snickerfit.]

I bet Resnik would. Man, there's a mental image. Scary Uber Vixen Resnik putting her engineering skills to work on baking.

[...] And I totally just set feminism back a few decades saying that. [MOVING ON.] Point is, the most hated person on the network could probably get a few people to bake them a cake for their birthday, because every human has that little bit of pity in them that makes them think no one deserves to have a crappy birthday. It's basic fact.

[testgasm]

[Can you hear his Kanyeshrug. Because he's Kanyeshruggin.]

Haha, I bet Resnik wouldn't even do it. He is that unlikeable.

[Sssssilence. Only a little bit, but silence nonetheless.

I don't have a birthday.

[andblockbuster]

[What are you doing, Wheatley. Topher is usually the one ruining the DUMB CONVERSATIONS with feels. THAT IS HOW THIS WORKS.]

But you had a day when you were first activated. That's... like a birthday for robots.

[testgasm]

[MAYBE HE JUST WANTS SOMEONE TO UNCONDITIONALLY BAKE HIM A CAKE OKAY]

Oh, I don't remember when it was, exactly. And, you know, they'll turn you on and off and on again, so there isn't really a point in keeping track.

[andblockbuster]

[Saddest robot.]

Yeah, but it's not like anyone else knows you don't really know. You could pick something and they'd have to go with it. ...Obviously, I know, but I'm not gonna be the jerk going "You just made that up right now, you faker."

[testgasm]

But then I'd have people asking me how old I am, and then I'd just be making stuff up all over the place.

[wheatley are you being difficult on purpose

yes maybe]

[andblockbuster]

[S I G H.]

Before we debate ourselves in circles again... is the point really birthdays and cake?