ataraxion | 008; Voice

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008; Voice

[Welcome back to another exciting adventure in the world of Topher Brink. There's a methodical clanking of tools and, once again, it seems Topher has turned his communicator on with the purpose of saying something, and then gotten distracted. Luckily, you're not stuck with ten minutes of dead silence with the actual sounds of someone working. In fact, it's only a few seconds before he starts talking.]

Sometimes I really think I'm the only one who doesn't spend an hour of every... relative day, I guess, thinking how bad I wanna go home. Don't get me wrong. I didn't get possessed by demons or nearly assimilated into a hive mind or chewed on by hellbeasts back home, and all of those things suck, but... It's not that bad. Everyone dies eventually, right? Why not die in space. ...Okay, so it's a touch cynical and I know- I'm terrifying the children. Cover their ears, ban that last bit from future broadcasts, whatever... The point is...

[There's a pause, followed by a pained noise, because genius here probably pinched his fingers or something.] The point is, uh... [Oh, did he have a point? He totally had one.]

... I don't remember what the point is, but I'll tell you something else. Hayley's post got me thinking about the whole... lack of dates thing. And I know it doesn't mean much to most of you, but it was, like... Late May or something when I showed up here and I've been here for eight months now, which means if time in space weren't so kerflooey, it'd be late January. So that means I'm 28 years old now, which... Yeah, that means exactly what I'm implying.

And this is not some big extravagant plea for gifts or attention or anything. I was just thinking about how this time last year, my birthday went by unnoticed and most of the time... Yeah, let's just say I've never had many people to celebrate it with. But here... If I said I wanted to gather some of my buddies up and sit in a common room and... I dunno, raid the library for something watchable and eat cake... It could happen. Not that I'm suggesting that either, because I have my doubts about whether the library has the best kind of bad science fiction when we're living the best kind of bad science fiction, but I could do it. And that means a lot to me.

Ah, I found my way back to the point. With all the bad stuff that happens here and the imminent badness continuing to loom over us and the fact that we miss the people we left behind back home... We can't forget that for some of us... This stupid ship has actually given us something. Fresh starts, the families we never knew we needed, friends, whatever. And that's a good thing.

[There's a thoughtful sigh.] I dunno. It does kinda make a guy wonder what happens if we do all go home. Sure, we lose all the bad things, but what about the stuff we actually wanna remember?

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[Oh god confusing human feelings are happening and he doesn't really know how to talk human feelings.]

I don't--I'm not exactly sure what you mean. By that.

Meaning that pretty much every relationship I've ever had I've come by about the same way I've come by... Well, this one. [FEEL SPECIAL, WHEATLEY.] We fight, we somehow bond through impossible odds, and we come out of it as unlikely friends, and it's supposed to mean something 'cause we've been at each others' throats. I always had to work at it. So it's weird when I don't. Not... bad-weird. Just... Kinda constantly waiting for it to implode weird.

[Confusing human feelings are hard. Even for the confusing humans.]

Oh, right. Yeah, I get it.

[What he does not say is that he is definitely going to be the one to ruin everything probably.]

Makes...sense. I'm not--nothing's going to implode, don't worry.

[I'm programmed to make things implode.]

Thanks. [NONE THE WISER.] It's probably just irrational paranoia. I mean, you've seen how much of a jerk I can be- that's just... Me. I'm not that worried about you coming to the realization I'm not whatever they must think I am. [Which is, like, indirectly saying YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND.

TRY NOT TO FUCK IT UP.

No pressure.]

[MY MIDDLE NAME IS FUCKUP

SHIT]

What are you worried about them realizing? Is it the shady brain business? Because it's really not that big of a deal.

They do like you, though. Practically falling all over themselves to bake you cakes.

[JEALOUS? May...be...]

Not to you. But you've seen Claire freak out about it- now times that by all the righteous indignation on this ship and you get... I dunno. Triple that. [He huffs.] Edgeworth's already dropped me. Tony's still ticked at me for trying to help him out, which, yeah, I screwed that up massively, but still.

[He just has a lot of feelings.]

I'm strangely surprised by it. [Awkward pause. HE KNOWS THAT TONE. HE HAS FELT THAT TONE MANY TIMES.] You wanna talk jealousy? Dirk's cooler than both of us and he wears anime sunglasses. That is low. And I'm sure he never let his big massive sciencey brain almost break the world.

Why would you want to be friends with Edgeworth, anyway?

[Really dude. Tony, he can see. Tony's infuriating, but smart and probably useful. EDGEWORTH...not so much.]

I'm not jealous. Who said anything about jealousy? I'm just making an observation--people seem very excited about the prospect of baking you multiple cakes.

Because I'm fascinated by morally judgmental people, and he reminds me of someone from home, so it was comforting for awhile. ...Actually, it still is comforting, but in a frenemy kinda way.

[HE HANGS OUT WITH YOU, DUDE...]

Maybe they just want an excuse to eat cake. Ward could come up on the network tomorrow and say it's his birthday and I'm sure, like, five people would be happy to bake him a cake, even if they put "Worst Captain Ever" on the icing.

You just said you don't want to go home, though. And anyway, that would imply Ward was on the network.

[LOOK I MADE A JOKE

AHAHAHAahAHAHHhgjklfjkdtime to ruin it]

Nobody likes Ward. Nobody's going to bake him a cake.

I don't. That doesn't mean I don't miss some things. [Okay, he'll give you that. That was... mildly funny. Snickerfit.]

I bet Resnik would. Man, there's a mental image. Scary Uber Vixen Resnik putting her engineering skills to work on baking.

[...] And I totally just set feminism back a few decades saying that. [MOVING ON.] Point is, the most hated person on the network could probably get a few people to bake them a cake for their birthday, because every human has that little bit of pity in them that makes them think no one deserves to have a crappy birthday. It's basic fact.

[Can you hear his Kanyeshrug. Because he's Kanyeshruggin.]

Haha, I bet Resnik wouldn't even do it. He is that unlikeable.

[Sssssilence. Only a little bit, but silence nonetheless.

I don't have a birthday.

[What are you doing, Wheatley. Topher is usually the one ruining the DUMB CONVERSATIONS with feels. THAT IS HOW THIS WORKS.]

But you had a day when you were first activated. That's... like a birthday for robots.

[MAYBE HE JUST WANTS SOMEONE TO UNCONDITIONALLY BAKE HIM A CAKE OKAY]

Oh, I don't remember when it was, exactly. And, you know, they'll turn you on and off and on again, so there isn't really a point in keeping track.

[Saddest robot.]

Yeah, but it's not like anyone else knows you don't really know. You could pick something and they'd have to go with it. ...Obviously, I know, but I'm not gonna be the jerk going "You just made that up right now, you faker."

But then I'd have people asking me how old I am, and then I'd just be making stuff up all over the place.

[wheatley are you being difficult on purpose

yes maybe]

[S I G H.]

Before we debate ourselves in circles again... is the point really birthdays and cake?

Uh--

[MAYBE? Wheatley may have forgotten the point somewhere between being jealous of all those cake offers and what appears to be Real Human Friendship even if Topher says it's all fakey fake.]

It could be, if that makes it easier. Actually, while I have you here-- [humoring me about my problems on your birthday]

If you wouldn't mind taking a look at this.

[boop]

I do sort of recall reading it, but I can't find it in the Media Library [I looked for a few minutes and got bored] and honestly, I really think he was just making it up.

[....]

He's taking a lot of creative liberties with that story. Got the... vague idea down- a little sketchy on the details. [WHY WOULD YOU EVER BELIEVE ANYTHING DAVE SAYS?]

Oh! Good. So I'll just tell him it's completely irrelevant.

[hello Topher meet the anti-pinocchio complex]

He'll never let it go. [He has learned this about Dave. The more you express outrage at something, the more he'll keep doing it.] I'm sure his heart was in the right place, but maybe he should let his brain in on it too.

But now I've got indisputable facts. Proving that his version is not how it actually happens.

[PAUSE]

How does it actually happen? Just so we're clear?

[His life is so special sometimes.] Okay. There was a puppet child named Pinocchio and he was made by a named Gepetto. That part's true. And... I dunno. Maybe he wanted to have kids or maybe he was just going senile in his old age, but he wished on a star that his little puppet kid would become a real boy, so the blue fairy showed up and made Pinocchio a living, not-quite-breathing, but capable of functioning in human society puppet who could move around without strings, and then she gave him the whole "listen to your conscience and you'll become a real boy" spiel. So the kid goes through some trials and screws up a lot and eventually he ends up sacrificing himself to save his fake-dad and that makes him a real boy, because he was brave and unselfish.

There's stuff about Pleasure Island and people turning into donkeys when they act like jerks and that lying thing... His nose grows when he lies. It's not that important, except teaching the value of not lying to people.

[IS THIS AWKWARD YET...]

So, basically, not how Dave described it at all.

[But probably more relevant than he initially thought.]

[Just explained a children's story to a confused robot.

Good times.]

Dave makes valid points, but he can't actually explain them if you don't speak Dave.

Well, that's why I asked you.

[You're like his Dave translator.]

I mean, I still can't find this supposed valid point, but at least now I understand the context.

[ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT DAVE IS WRONG FOREVER]

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