ataraxion | video + voice | make me a beast half as brave i'd be the same

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video + voice | make me a beast half as brave i'd be the same

[private to jesse pinkman and miles edgesworth | not encrypted | video]

[The Libby--and it's just Libby, even if her face is clean and her hair is gently washed and flowing smooth and purely blonde--who appears in the video is relieved. Not drunk, not jittery with tension, not panicked or cornered or twisted by anger. Just relieved, smiling with an old, recently missing quirk to it, wrapped up in an oversized black jacket and smoking with a hand that shakes but only slightly.]

Hey, guys. Guess who I can't find? Um--do you want to like. Watch a stupid future movie or whatev, some time? I've got--I've got a lot of free time. So. You know. Or anything.

And, um--maybe we should all check in. Every morning and tonight. Your girls too, Jesse. I just ydon't want--well. A lot of people have been going missing. [She ruffles her hair with her free hand, but still. For the first time since she got here she can breathe.] But yeah. Anything you want.

[private to james rogers | not encrypted | voice]

Um. Hey.

[Nervous, but that's fine, right? Everything is fine today.]

[public | voice]

Loki's gone. I don't know who of you care, but unless he shows up and calls me an idiot on this thing--he's gone. So. Tally that up, I figure.

[A quiet, disbelieving laugh, her voice mellow and soft, and Libby falls back on her bed.]

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Is anybody gonna miss that asshole? I mean, he even pissed off his clone. That's gotta take some skill in douchebaggery.

No way. You and me are hitting the bar right now.

Nah, you're right. And meet you on eight in five? You have to try this stuff I made in my room, its disgusting strong and I swear it won't make you blind. I think I'm gonna call it starshine. You know, 'cause space?

Yeah, I will definitely have some of that.

See you in five.

Rad.

[Vaguely Libby thinks she might want to say...something. She saw him barter for pot, and is this the same? But it's like she told Anna. She's a hypocrite and a fuck up. And she wants to show Jesse her tattoos and talk about how weird guys have been since she scrubbed her face clean and just be with Jesse like she hasn't really since Strela, since the Jump.

So she picks up her starshine and wanders off, hair twisted up in wire festively, a lityle blue LED light nestled on the left side.]

[Jesse's waiting for her in the hall, and when he sees her walking up with that light-up decoration, he laughs and reaches up to flick at her hair playfully. It's not unkind. He's actually pretty delighted by the thing.]

Oh my god. We throwing a rave, too?

Duh. A kickass hallway rave.

[Like the weird, playful dumbass she is Libby bumps against him, then gestures towards the common areas.]

I figure I can put any colour I want in my hair. Blue, purple, green, whatev. [As they walk she puts him at her left side, so she can hear him properly.] So like--how've you been? How are your girls?

[People it does not even occur to that there is anything odd about polyamory: little hackers from the future.]

[He keeps flicking at the shiny thing as they're walking, because he's a dumbass too. But the question sobers him up a little.]

They're, uh... They're good.

[Well...]

Better, at least. You know, it's been rough with Jane being all sick, and me and her are a lot for Lisbeth. It's kinda better when I ain't around 'cause I'm bad at the whole rehab thing.

[Which is a half-confession, in its way. He shrugs it off. Libby was at that party, he knows, so it's no secret he was trading.]

Heroin, right? [She is vaguely aware that she's...supposed to leave well enough alone with Jane, so she is. Heroin addicts make her uncomfortable anyway, for reasons--well:] Last guy I crashed with before here was on it. It's a rough kick. He tried--twice, while I was there.

But, you know. Didn't have a dry spaceship with anyone who gave a fuck. She'll be fine.

[Libby flicks a button on her computer in the pocket of her jacket and the lights flares pink. It was an impulse to put there, but she likes it a lot now--mostly because Jesse seems fascinated, and it makes her feel normal again to be doing something weird.]

This would be the part where I'd be trying to plan but--fuck, Jesse. He's gone. He's gone, I don't have to. [Back to celebrating, all right? Yes. She takes a swig from the bottle and offers it to him with a wince.] You know I started like--talking to people 'cause of him? So I'd have a way to get out. Before I knew like--the whole god thing. So in this wicked fucked up way I don't think we'd be friends if I didn't know him.

It's just--it's weird.

Nah, that's bullshit.

[Jesse says that with absolute certainty, then takes a good chug. Maybe too much. His nose wrinkles as he hands the bottle back over.]

You're giving him too much credit.

You think?

[She holds the lip of the bottle to her mouth without drinking, looking unsure--but if Jesse says it she's inclined to believe him. He's never bullshitted her before.]

...why do you even like me, anyway? I mean--I know why I like you, you're awesome and you're good to people and you're funny, I just--I don't figure it, is all.

[Jesse presses his lips into a line, giving her a wry side-glance.]

Is that how it works? You got, like, a checklist of reasons why you like somebody? Okay, first off, I am not good to people. I make poison and then people smoke it and stick it up their noses and they ruin their lives and I make money off it. So let's not start with the whole oh Jesse you're too good for me. Let's just - Okay? Let's not do that.

And second is that I don't got a list like that. I got a whole lotta nice things to say about you, and I could tell you all that stuff if you want, but those things ain't reasons. The reason is you. All of you.

You get what I'm saying? There's no part of you that you gotta hold back. There's nothing you gotta be ashamed of or try to compare to other people or whatever it is you're doing.

[Watch, Jesse, as you can almost literally read in Libby's surprised (and then guilty) expression: so that's how it works? Jesse has met plenty of girls like Libby, after all.

And then, blossoming over and eclipsing guilt--which is knowing he can see her piercings are gone, that her blue is gone, her eyeliner is gone--is soft, tenative trust, and a smile.]

'Kay. Let me--you're good to me. And people you care about. I don't--actually care. What you give other people. I know that's shitty, but i don't care. [Because all of her is that too. The parts where she's ugly and mean.]

Sorry. This whole--being a real person and giving a fuck thing, I'm rusty. I thought that's what people do, like--you need reasons and stuff they can do for you and--you really don't care?

There's lots of people who think like that, but that ain't me. Least, not when it comes to my friends.

[Because he does use people, and he profits from their pain and their deaths, but he's trying to change. God, he is. And the change starts with the people he gives his heart to. Maybe someday, if he's lucky, he'll be able to afford making a clean living without destroying people, too. But he's not quite there yet.]

[It's an idea that hasn't occurred to her before, not in her life since being so small her sister was breathing. But it makes sense, or starts to, when she thinks that this, then, is why it was always about justifying wanting Jesse around after the fact instead of identifying reasons she could use him beforehand. Maybe it can just be wanting him around. All the reasons are just awkward as excuses.

And does she need to excuse liking Jesse? Fuck no.]

'Kay. That--yeah. That makes sense. Yo.

[Because being too serious for long is ridiculous, and she grins as she nudges him.]

Jesse Pinkman, fountain of wicked sharp wisdom.

Yeah, yeah. Wisdom.

[He rolls his eyes at that and drapes an arm across her shoulders, giving her a half-hug as they walk.]

Seriously, though, if you have to think that hard about why you're hanging around somebody, it probably means you shouldn't be around 'em. The only time I ever look for reasons is when somebody's treating me bad.

Hey, buddy, I don't know this shit. Legit wisdom!

[She enjoys the draping, companionably--she's getting better about this, burying Strela deep.]

So if I'm sitting there trying to figure out why to stay, get the fuck out? Sounds rad. Adds to being lazy as fuck all the time.

[Drinking, more of this, yes.] Any more pro tips?

Yeah:

Don't take pro-tips from a junkie.

[But the self-deprecation is in good humor. He's grinning now, and he doesn't really notice if she's uncomfortable with the way he's holding her, so he doesn't quite let go yet.]

[If she were uncomfortable she's comfortable enough with him to bite him. (Not really. (Maybe.)) There'd be something, anyway.]

Wow, jerk--hey, buddy, you don't control me, I can barely control myself.

[Cue: noodle arms and a bizarre cross-eyed expression.]

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video + voice | make me a beast half as brave i'd be the same

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