ataraxion | audio

[He's sort of avoiding most of these entries--being quiet and re-evaluating his life and all that. But this one catches his eye and he really can't help himself.]

We're all not as well as we could be, I'm sure.

[Ha... ha, ha.... ha.

Nah, Alex understands, ma'am. While he hadn't tried axing anyone, if someone had even seemed the littlest bit threatening he probably would have at least held his trusty weapon up and promised a swing or two if they didn't leave.

And Murphy did say this place could be worse than the town, so... who knows what he'll have to wail on later.

Most importantly, though:]

Don't know who they are? Got a description?

Edited (me and my reading comprehension today....) 2012-07-10 21:26 (UTC)

[Annie is eye-catching, that's for sure. Even on just audio, her voice is, frankly, lovely. Inherently soothing.]

I don't know--he was tall. Very tall. Pale-skinned, dark hair, sort of--rugged looking. Like a Peacekeeper.

I feel awful about it. I haven't done that in so long, I--thought I was getting better.

[That isn't the worst part, which obviously is hurting someone. But it comes second. Annie thought she was past lashing out and obviously she's not, and that hurts. Badly. It's like every step of progress she's taken in the last five years doesn't even matter.]

It's alright; this isn't exactly a normal situation, right? If there's any time someone would regress for a minute, it'd be waking up in space for no rhyme or reason.

Nothing wrong with being scared there.

[He imagines if he'd come here years after all he'd dealt with, he'd snap for a moment, too. It might be a good thing, that he came here straightaway.]

I could keep an eye out for him and let you know if I see him. But I guess they'd probably see this before I'd run into 'em...

[He's not planning on leaving his room often, but... he's getting used to looking out for people, what with the state of affairs back home.]

'Peacekeeper'?

I hope--I hope they see this.

[Because Annie is so sorry. She hurt someone. She wanted to kill him. That's not all right, it's not a thing there's nothing wrong with. Everything is wrong with that, and she hates herself readily and familiarly.]

It's--I wanted to kill him.

[She's honest, at least.]

I tried to kill him. That's more than being scared. That's not all right.

A Peacekeeper. They--keep the Peace, I guess. Enforce the laws, fight for the Capitol. I know worlds are different here, I just don't--know the words.

[So... like the police. Well.]

Your world sounds like there's a lot going on under the surface. [He's not sure if she should say. But. It sounds like she needs someone to talk to, to get some frustrations or thoughts out. He'd needed someone like that many times, and was only so fortunate as to find Elle.] ... It hasn't been easy back home, I take it.

Everyone is a bit disoriented, I think. You'll be forgiven, I'm sure.

[Annie deeply appreciates the pardon, but feels it's premature.]

I--I don't even want to be forgiven.

[She pauses, for a while.]

I tried to kill him. That's not--how could you forgive someone?

Yes, you did. You also said it was not intentional.

[ That means a lot to him, actually. ]

I shouldn't speak for anyone else.

It's okay.

[Annie is quick to reassure other people of their innocence, always. Just not herself.]

I--some introduction, isn't it? Admitting I'm crazy right away.

It is quite an introduction, Annie. I'm Charles.

People would probably get it anyway.

[Self-deprecating; she knows how she is, she can at least have a sense of humour about it.]

It's nice to meet you, Charles. I'm new here. Are you new?

You're ill, then.

[ Oh. He feels -- kind of bad for her. ]

I am, as new as you are, it seems.

Very.

[That still may be an understatement. Annie is wrecked. Annie is a poor mad girl, she's heard.]

This place--it's so strange, isn't it?

Are you alright?

[ He ...naturally, worries. ] It is very strange.

[Stats is in medbay, much more bored than in pain. And a little spaced out from the meds.]

Hello. As you can see, I'm feeling better. [His breath is a little bit short, but he's not coughing anymore.] I was lucky someone helped me to medbay.

[He already introduced himself, but she may have forgotten in the frenzy. Or not noticed.] I'm Stats. Nice to meet you. [There's a hint of irony in his voice. He chuckles.]

Edited 2012-07-11 07:40 (UTC)

[She did forget--or actually not notice at all.

This is so hard. She wants to cover her ears and curl up, but she can't. She--she can do this, it's not so bad. She can do this. She has to do this.]

Hi.

I am so, so, so sorry--I--can I explain?

[Thankfully, Stats is the forgiving type.]

It's all right. Don't tell my sons, though. [He laughs.]

Although an explanation wouldn't go amiss.

Edited 2012-07-11 15:26 (UTC)

[She nearly killed someone with a family. Annie hates herself, and thinks of her sister and her nephews--no. She can't think of Gwen and Blue and Angel now. If she does, if she thinks of someone hurting--she just can't.]

When I was sixteen--

[Has she ever had to explain before? She doesn't think so. In the Districts everyone had seen her Games except for little children. In 13 everyone knew the Capitol had tortured her. Everyone has always just known why Annie is like this. She realizes she doesn't actually know how to put it into words.]

When I was sixteen--I had to--I k--

[Stay here, Annie, she tells herself. (One drop, two drops, oh, oh, oh no.)]

When I was sixteen, [she's repeating herself, she knows] I did something very wrong, and I went insane. And now sometimes I--shut down, or I see things that aren't there. Or hurt people.

I haven't done that in a very long time. I--I just thought I was somewhere else.

[Oh, dear. It must have been at least as bad as the war. If not worse.]

I'm sorry. I... I don't know what else to say. [And now it hurts again. Crying hurts.]

[Stay. Stay here. Don't dare break, not now, not--

--but she can't, after all, face flushing and throat closing as she starts to cry too, in reaction to Stats' tears. She hurt him and now she's made him cry, she can't--]

[Tinily, she says:] I'm sorry, I--I can't keep talking, I have to--it's too hard, I can't--I'm sorry--

[Then she drops her device and flees. She has to get to Finnick. She has to get to Finnick or she thinks she might die.]

[He's about to say that it's all right, that she'll tell the details when she feels ready, that's he's sorry he made her cry...

... and then she runs away.

Oops. Not good, Stats.]

Hey!

Miss?

[ Wide, curious eyes, and Chase is suddenly on screen--looking more than a little worried. It's the dark hair, it reminds her of a few people from home. ]

It would be advisable that you relax, miss. I'm sure they've gotten help.

[She looks so much like Cypher that for a moment Annie cannot breathe, and her comm switching to video to synch with this transmission catches her stricken look.

But this girl isn't Cypher. Can't be. (Can be?) And Annie didn't kill her anyway. (It wasn't her arrow but it jutted out of her throat and Annie watched her die in high definition, shaking, tiny little Cypher.)

Annie can breathe. She does, calming.]

Thank you.

What's your name?

[ Something's wrong. Chase picks up on that right away--the unsure way she seems, the look. She's seen it before. It's no surprise, given the entire post. She offers a brief, tentative smile.

Calming people down isn't exactly her forte. ]

Chase, miss. Chase Kilgannon.

[ She seems so lost and though Alayne knows she should not feel compassion for her (she is a stranger and nothing to me; if she is dangerous, then she may hurt me as well) it is difficult to harden her heart. And so, she replies with caution, a wary sort of care. ]

Are you well, Annie Cresta?

[Annie smiles, tinily.]

No. I'm--insane.

I have been a long time. Thank you for asking.

[ Insane. Alayne mulls over the word and then frowns, in a pretty sort of way. Everything Alayne does is pretty; even the ugliest of expressions seem oddly radiant upon her face. She does not seem mad, is her thought, but then reminds herself that most things are not as they seem. ]

I am sorry that you are ailed, Annie Cresta. And that you have been for a long time. I hope you find some respite here, in however small a way. A walk in the gardens or, perhaps— [ She hesitates for a moment, considering. ] —my father has books. Some are quite lovely.

[Annie is--soothed, by Alayne's courtesy. She feels safe in politeness and regulation. She loved 13, for giving her structure. This, too, is structure. At once she appreciates it.]

Thank you, miss.

And I--like books. Very much. If your father would lend them--I'd like them. Thank you.

[She smiles again, a little more brightly.]

You're very kind.

I have--I have Finnick here, as well. [Now she melts, because--Finnick is, Finnick exists, Finnick is the most perfect in the world.] He's my--he's mine. He loves me. So I'll be okay, you don't need to worry.

[ If Annie is soothed by courtesy then it is possible she will like Alayne's company very much. Although she has learned how to wield words like weapons, she has kept to Sansa's old lessons as well. Not everyone should be struck, Alayne knows. Some must be buffered against and others lulled. Annie, she thinks, should be lulled and since her desire to do so does not come from an evil place, Alayne feels no remorse in it. (That is what her father would say.)

Annie smiles more brightly and, so, Alayne follows suit. Soft at first, reassuring. ] He has collected them for the sake of lending, though— I do not know if he would ask for something in exchange. But I know if I tell him it is for a very fine friend, he will lend them to you without favor. [ A pause. ] What sort of stories do you like best?

[ Another pause, longer. ] Does your Finnick care for stories as well?

[Lulling Annie is kind, and although this girl is young Annie will let herself be lulled. There's no harm in letting someone be kind, like Peeta could be away from Katniss.

And she mentions Finnick. Annie is always better, talking about him. Her smile is light and warm now, like they were never talking about anything bad.]

I wouldn't mind doing your father a favour. [A pause of her own, considering.] I like--fairy tales.

And Finnick--yes, he likes stories. I read to him, sometimes. [The good times. When she's more than just broken, when she can give as well as take. It's a good kind of memory--Finnick's bronze hair between her fingers, his head in her lap, the hush of the sea.]

A fairy tale, then, [ Alayne nods, certainly. ] I will ask my father for one of his most fanciful stories— and then bring it to wherever you may be, if it please you. Though— [ Alayne pauses, looking only politely curious. ] —what manner of favor could you promise? Have you means or skills — was the ship generous in providing you things from home?

[ The fact that Annie enjoys talking about Finnick is obvious and undeniable and so she makes mention of him again, in the hopes that it will make the conversation easier for her. ] Is Finnick your companion. Or— husband, Annie?

He's my husband. [She is bright and joyous about this--finally, finally just hers, sage--

--but then crestfallen. Crestfallen Cresta.]

Or--he's not. I made that up.

But I--it doesn't matter. [It does. But what can she do?] I can fish. I make nets. I can do laundry. I sew. I-- [This hurts. But this place is not safe and if Annie can protect someone she has to.] I can fight.

[ It must be terrible for her, Alayne thinks, to have forgotten or imagined such an important thing. Though, perhaps not. Alayne knows what that is like, at least the vague outline of it. To have what you remember and what is real not perfectly align. To hold a memory and then to let it go, or let allow it to be smeared to well by time that its details are no longer discernable.

Annie knows how to fight and Alayne makes note of that but she doesn't ask after it, for what would a girl need with fighting. But she remembers and promises to tell Petyr. (He would know what to do.) ]

You know how to sew, [ Alayne says, her attention catching on the familiar world, her expression brightening. ] So do I, perhaps we can sew together — a small circle of two. So few people aboard can appreciate the task, and—

Nets, you say. And fish. Do you live by a river or perhaps by the sea? What does one make nets out of — rope, I'd imagine. Yes?

[Real or not real--it's a game Peeta plays. Annie's noticed that, and thinks she could play too. She always has to ask Finnick did this happen, did that happen, because she cannot remember even little things sometimes.

She sees things. She hears things. So the idea she broke down under the Capitol torture and invented a happy story is entirely plausible, and it hurts. Because it's betrayal. She betrayed herself, like always, except worse--because she stole from her own possible future, from a real wedding that will now always be confused with the one she invented.

(It did happen. But she doesn't know that.)

And what a girl needs with fighting is something Annie, looking at this girl who is so close to the age she'd been, hopes Alayne never has to know. Won't know, if Annie is there, to know for her.]

I'd love to sew with you. [She's perked up, once more, distracted by the thought of needles and the sea.] Let's. And people are funny that way, aren't they?

I live in District 4. We're the fishing District. My mother says I swam before I could walk--my father makes nets, we live close to the beach. And yes, rope, usually. But any flexible cord will work.

Edited 2012-07-12 18:30 (UTC)

[ Thoughts of needles and the sea. The former has its share of nice memories of Alayne, but the latter is nothing but unpleasant. Those are Sansa Stark's feelings, carried over and through. The Ironborn, the islands that bore them, a turncloak who'd been raised among the Stark children — some of it stirred with thoughts of the sea but none of it settled upon Annie. Modestly, she bows her head. ]

People are funny in all manner of ways, I find. [ She tucks her chin to hide a smile. ] My father is lord of the Fingers, which are flats of land that reach out into the sea. But— I never saw much of his ancestral home and so know very little of the sea. Rivers, yes — I've seen my share, but the ocean remains something of a mystery. [ A pause and then she makes something of a joke, though she doesn't suspect Annie will understand it. ] I'm much more taken with stone, really.

You were frightened. They would understand.

I can't get better unless I know I did something wrong.

[--but.]

Thank you. I appreciate it.

I do not say what I don't mean.

You do know, and so you will. ( a beat. ) Or do you fear that you wouldn't, even after your apology?

[Very softly:]

Yes.

[Annie knows herself well enough to know that she doesn't know herself at all. She's a horrific mystery, a constant fault. She didn't think she'd hurt anyone again. Look what happened.]

( just as softly: )

Healing takes time.

Annie Cresta, I think we were all similarly confused upon our arrival. If the damage done can be repaired, you needn't fret over it.

What if--

[If it couldn't, if she did kill him, if it's six and not five--six is barely more than five, and the worst thing is that Annie could survive it. She could live with six. What does that make her?]

I should. I should fret. I did--it was wrong. What I did. I can't pretend it wasn't.

[Or she'd be lost. Lost always, all ways. She'd be ruined, then.]

Hasty to lash out, yes. But we all arrive confused and lost. You cannot be faulted for attempting to protect yourself.

[ beat ]

The individual you attacked, are they harmed beyond saving?

No. He's not.

[But--]

He has a family. He has a family and I would have killed him if we were alone. Because I thought--I thought someone else would kill him. If I left him wounded. But if we were alone I would have killed him.

[It's almost darkly impressive for such a slip of a thing. If she were in the Games she would have gotten sponsors for such a surprise, and knowing that makes her sick.]

But you did not.

[ and is that not the important thing? ]

You did not kill him.

[No one posted a notice for the security team, there haven't been any witch-hunts, and the medical staff didn't alert anyone to a new threat. These are all good signs. ]

You aren't the first person to react violently upon waking up. [He knows because... he reacted violently on his first jump.]

You're going to end up in those pods again. Are you likely to react the same way?

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