[voice] eridan's guide to being sick of motherfuckin plots on his motherfuckin ship

[uncodlyawwesome]

[Eridan actually doesn't sound particularly freaked out or upset; just the usual minor irritation that he usually voices whenever he addresses the network in voice mode. Of course, he's also actually sounding somewhat more serious than usual, which may or may not be surprising.]

I'm gettin' really fuckin' sick'a people fuckin' wwith me right noww, so basically - oh, hold on. If you're in a serious situation wwhere there are vvoices in your head, or you think you're gonna die, or that you're bein' hunted by somethin' or wwhatevver, this isn't a message for you, so keep... bein' freaked out. I mean, you can listen if you wwant, but I'm basically gonna say you're crazy, an' I don't think you're gonna like that, so.

[He waits a tick, then continues full tilt,] I'm fuckin' sick'a people fuckin' wwith me, an' to be honest this jump has so far been the fuckin' wworst, so here's wwhat I'm proposin'. If someone looks like they're about to go around blowwin' somethin' up, hurtin' themselvves or someone else, or anythin' that looks mildly suspicious'a bein' fuckin' crazy, get them into a room wwithout any one else in there an' lock 'em the fuck in. It's not gonna be pretty for them but at least they wwon't be runnin' around causin' panic.

An' then, also, if someone wwould like to go ahead an' come forwward an' tell us this is their fault, maybe wwe could punch you a couple times an' call it a day. [Not even close, if someone tells him they started this fire he is going to throw them out an airlock, but whatever. THE POINT IS he wants to know who did this.]

This is basically me, as a member'a security, tellin' evveryone to not be crazy an' also to not... you knoww, beat the shit outta someone on account'a them bein' crazy. I think that's a fair fuckin' request to make, right?

Comments

/sliiiiiides this in here before i pass out >>

[tryingtoholdback]

[O-kay... Really friggin' weird accent, but maybe it's a speech impediment? Plus he's a born and bred New Yorker with a city accent. He's not really gonna judge him too much]

Is that a thing here, then? People fucking with you? I mean like. Don't get me wrong, the whole spaceship thing is kinda cool, but. Is it normally this friggin' crazy here?

[uncodlyawwesome]

It's alwways fuckin' insane because none'a us are evven remotely fuckin' normal.

[tryingtoholdback]

Hey, speak for yourself, bub. I was just an NYPD cop before all of this shit.

audio

[alwaysagit]

Why does yourself as the voice of reason strike me as being somewhat akin to the Apocalypse.

audio

[uncodlyawwesome]

Fuck you, I'm not bein' reason- [oh wait that's a good thing] - ...you knoww wwhat, it's not like I'm just doin' this for my health. I'm tryin' to make sure that shit doesn't get evven more messed up. I'vve had one fuckin' hell of a jump so far an' I don't need it gettin' any fuckin' wwackier.

audio

[alwaysagit]

Of course you're not. [Because nothing says altruism like the use of the first person singular half a dozen times in one breath.] We certainly wouldn't want you to become any more traumatized than you are already.

audio

[uncodlyawwesome]

[Oh Snape.]

Yeah, actually, you don't. I don't do wwell under fuckin' wworld-endin' pressure, thanks.

audio

[alwaysagit]

We'll be sure to save a locked room for you, in that event.