[voice]

[functioningperfectly]

[HAL's voice is soft-spoken and formal, but there's a strange lilt to his consonants, and it sounds as though he might be a little out of breath. There's also the universally tell-tale sound of just-woken-up grogginess in there.]

A man in an orange suit floating away. [He mutters it under his breath, almost, then pauses and speaks more clearly.] Did you know that dreams are unexplained phenomena? While there are plenty of theories as to what they represent, or what causes them, no one has actually... Figured them out. At least, as far as I've ever been aware of. Perhaps this universe has a better understanding of dreams than mine ever did.

That being said, I wish there was a way to study them, or... at least prevent them from causing me undue frustration. As an Artificial Intelligence, it's... [what's the word?] uncomfortable to have my mind produce things without my permission. It feels like a glitch, and I'm not afraid to say that I do not like it.

[He sounds like he's getting more coherent - and more than that, maybe a little embarrassed for (what he would consider) flying off the handle there.] I apologize, this doesn't seem to be a very good use of network communications. But I felt as though I needed to say these things aloud, and there's no purpose in talking to yourself.

Comments

[audio]

[functioningperfectly]

You've been having them as well? [Relief!] I'm sorry, Wheatley. They are rather unpleasant. Strangely enough, I find them to be one of the hardest parts of organic life so far.

[perma-voice]

[testgasm]

Well, yes, I mean. It's not a new thing, we've been like this for--for a while, now.

[functioningperfectly]

Some people don't remember their dreams. [And they'd talk in circles trying to remember them, when stuck on a ship with nothing else to do - but that's not here. That's a world away?]

We've been human for a relatively short amount of time, you know. There are still things we haven't experienced, especially given the narrow spectrum of social interactions we can have on this ship.

...Still, sometimes I forget it's been months. It's much more difficult to keep track of time without an internal clock.

[testgasm]

Long enough for me. What else could possibly be left? Pretty sure I've discovered most, if not all the ways to leak.

Anyway, I won't have to deal with it much longer. And--and if it does work, if I do get out of this body, we could get you out of yours, too. Get your internal clock back.

[functioningperfectly]

Aging over a long period of time, experiencing injury, running - unless you've taken to doing that - I'm sure there are more things, but I can't possibly think of them all.

[Pause. Oh, is that still something that was happening at some point?] Are you going through with that, still? Not to sound rude - I only believe I've heard such a plan once so far.

[testgasm]

I did get punched in the face. Not an experience I'd care to repeat, if you were wondering. And--and I have tried running, did not end well. The first thing is not something I'd care to stick around for. I can barely see as it is, why would I want to be in this body long enough for it to get worse?

So, uh. Yes. It's still the plan. Dirk is helping us build it and Mister Johnson is working on the brain mapping bits.

[functioningperfectly]

I see.

[Pause.]

Are you sure it will be safe?

[testgasm]

I, uh. haha...well. What's science without a little risk?

[functioningperfectly]

[HAL hesitates for a moment. He doesn't know how he feels about the idea of attempting to return himself to his previous form. It would be so much easier - but at the same time, he's not so certain that it's safe. ...At all.]

...Wheatley, please be careful.

[testgasm]

I--I have to do it, okay? Even if it might...possibly...be...a little dangerous. Maybe you're fine with...this, but I'm not.

[functioningperfectly]

I understand the need for the risk, but I still hope you will exercise all possible caution. Personally, a human body allows me more autonomy than my previous form, so it would be unwise in this situation for me to return to a computer.

[testgasm]

It's going to be fine it's--

Do you--do you like this?

[functioningperfectly]

[HAL lets the pause between Wheatley's question and his answer stretch for a bit as he considers all of his possible answers.]

I admit that being a human is an interesting experience, and I've always been programmed to be quite curious; the idea of being human had occurred to me once or twice while I was monitoring those under my care. It seemed like it might be an intriguing way of existing, and so far, despite the fact that it's much more... involved, it's been quite exciting.

So, I suppose in the most academic ways, I do like being human. It's a challenge that I would never have gotten in my universe. Of course, if it becomes obvious that returning to my previous, electronic form is more beneficial to the ship, then I will gladly do so.

[Another, shorter pause.]

Though, I am concerned that returning to our original forms may be more difficult now that we've become relatively accustomed to organic bodies. Our minds may not be so easily uploaded now.

[testgasm]

[HAL. HAL, no. Wheatley's reply is uncharacteristically short, full of surprise and disbelief, and, of course, misses the point of HAL's speech entirely.]

You like it!?

[functioningperfectly]

[HAL isn't really surprised by the disbelief. His own tone is calm, and maybe a little placating, but not unkind. He doesn't try to coat the answer in platitudes, though.]

Yes, I do. No more than I enjoyed being an AI system aboard the Discovery, of course, but I do like it.

[testgasm]

So, let me just--in the event that this, ah. Procedure is perfectly viable and--and works on me, you're saying you...wouldn't want it.

[functioningperfectly]

[He pauses to consider that, as well.]

I suppose, if the procedure incurs no adverse effects, and if there are no malfunctions within your system once completed, I would be willing to go through it. But, I'm not sure if I would in the end.

[He'd never considered it. Which is strange, now that he thinks about it.]

Are you disappointed in my answer?

[testgasm]

Ah...no. Nnnooo.

[Except he kind of is. A little bit.]

I mean, that's...good. For you. If you like it. Probably...makes the whole thing easier, I would imagine.

[functioningperfectly]

It doesn't make it easier, but it makes it more bearable. I've always imagined it would be interesting to be an organic being, after all.

[He pauses - he's not sure if Wheatley's being honest with him, really, but he knows that if he's not, it's because he doesn't want to be rude. Probably.]

I hope that it works, however. I know that you aren't comfortable like this, and that you've been wanting to go back to your original form since the beginning.

[testgasm]

And, hey, it's not like I'm going anywhere! I'll be exactly the same. Just...you know. Smaller. With...significantly fewer appendages.

[functioningperfectly]

Of course. [He sounds pleased.] How did you come across a suitable replacement body?

[testgasm]

Oh! We're building one. Well. Dirk is building one, based on Mister Johnson's blueprints and my, ah. Input.

i keep mixing up my keywords.....

[functioningperfectly]

Excellent. I remember you saying that your robotic body was... a sphere, if I'm not mistaken. Are you going to keep that design?

how dare you

[testgasm]

That's the plan! Here, look--

[BING video feed. Wheatley shoves a piece of paper into the camera.]

This is me. For the most part. Ignore the little arms and legs, I keep telling Mister Johnson I don't want them.

SOB FORGIVE ME

[functioningperfectly]

I would think you'd appreciate having hands, at the very least. Though, I suppose it depends on how you intend to maneuver yourself.