ataraxion | ғɪʀsᴛ - ᴛᴇxᴛ - ᴘᴜʟʟɪɴɢ ᴛʜᴇ ᴛʀɪɢɢᴇʀ

So I'm actually going to do this. I don't know why, it's stupid, except I had this ex-boyfriend who used to talk about the things his psychologist spouted, like 'conscious dreaming' or something equally bollocky. How he had to learn to 'control his nightmares'. There's some bullshit about lightswitches that I wasn't really paying that much attention to, I can't stand those people. So I am consciously engaging with this obvious delusional break, which is the grandest idea I've ever had, I'm certain. I just keep thinking, what would he make of this? The psychologist. Here I am. I've sent myself to space. In space I have provided myself with a cigarette, but not a fucking lighter, so what does that mean? What does it mean that I'm asking this question to, I don't know, my subconscious as represented by the internet, which is just spectacular. I've gone down the rabbit hole through my own navel. This is sad and pathetic and why didn't my subconscious just give me a bottle of vodka, I ask you. Me. You don't need a lighter with vodka unless you've got a very particular sort of party in mind. I suppose I'm still asking me, because there isn't any you, that would be absurd.

( Ilde pulls the trigger on this post just to prove to herself that this isn't real (she is so nakedly, painfully afraid), because if this was real (is it worse if this is real, or if she really is completely mad?), she would never-- )

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Hate to be the bearer of bad news, darling, but I'm very real.

You though? You write too much to be believable.

Now my psychological break is being critiqued. Fantastic.

Oh how the deluded have fallen, wouldn't you say?

I can't be deluded and imaginary. You're going to have to pick one.

Why not? It would only add layers to your so called existence.

If I'm deluded, you're imaginary. If I'm imaginary, and you're interacting with me, the only explanation is that you're the crazy one hallucinating space. I think I'm fine with that. Enjoy.

But maybe I'm hallucinating you being deluded about everyone else's existence-

Ah, screw it. This got way too geeky for me.

You're deluded, okay? Deal with it.

Noted.

( if she could hallucinate up that bottle of vodka, that would be stellar. )

So do you have a name or your mom told you not to talk with hallucinations you don't know?

Ilde. Although I think I'm doing poorly if my hallucinations don't know who I am, I can only imagine the psychoanalysis on that one.

My verdict? You're a little too sane for this crap. Go you.

How wretched. If I am sane, I'm altogether too sober to be dealing with it.

( this is called delayed response. later on, she'll-- something. but right now, she's almost morbidly fascinated by the experience, slightly distant from it, unhappy but still reeling from the surreality of her situation. )

You and me both, Ilde. I'll let you know when I get booze, probably.

Then at least I've that to look forward to. Did you have a name?

Katherine.

Do try not to go actually insane, it would be incredibly tedious to have to talk to someone else into drinking again.

I'll do my very best.

Very good.

[Pepper does her best to offer a soft smile to the girl.]

I'm afraid it's very real.

[Not that the girl has any reason to believe her.]

( Ilde regards the video message with some vague suspicion, before compromising on a middle ground and responding audibly - her accent is plummy, upper-class, but not that of a native English speaker, even if she does hit the traditional received pronunciation very close to the mark. )

Then I don't suppose you'd happen to have a lighter on you.

[She frowns slightly.]

I can't say I do, but you can probably find one at the bar.

Oh, there's a bar. Of course there is.

( that makes a lot more sense than many other things that have happened today. )

I can take you there if you'd like.

( the hesitation is audible, over the brittle cynicism that's mainly coloured the rest of this-- )

I think I'll stay where I am for now. Thank you.

Of course.

[And Pepper actually sounds like she understands.]

If you need anything don't hesitate to ask. I'm Pepper.

Pepper. All right.

I'm Ilde.

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