003 [VIDEO]

[testgasm]

[This video feed is dark. There's light filtering in from somewhere, and it's just enough to highlight the silhouette of a person, apparently crammed into some kind of confined space. Closet? Air vent? Who knows. This is probably meant to be an audio post, and there is evidence that an attempt was made to filter it away from at least two parties. Neither of these efforts were successful.]

Here's a problem for all of you. Real brain-buster, this one, if you catch my drift.

[Hi Wheatley.]

Let's say, hypothetically, I have a friend who, um…sort of…found himself in a situation where things got a little complicated. Circumstances out of his control, you know how it goes. Did some things…maybe said some things…that…were not the best things to say or do. Point is, this friend of mine made a couple of ladies rather upset.

Thing is, he didn't think he'd see either of them ever again! Turns out he was wrong. Saw them again…much sooner than he anticipated. And is now a bit…unsure of what to do, right? Because…they all parted on, uh. Less-than-stellar terms.

Still purely speculative, here, by the way. In case you forgot.

So we'll confirm that one of the ladies actually deserves an apology, which he did, in fact, grant. Right off. First thing he did, apologize to her. And he--and he thought it would make him feel better about the whole thing, but it didn't. Which…doesn't make any sense at all, because that's not what's supposed to happen. You're supposed to say you're sorry, and she's supposed to say "apology accepted, and also I'm sorry for a couple of things that may have upset you in turn", and then you say "that's all right, let's go back to being mates". And you do.

But that's not--that's not what happened, and honestly, I think he feels worse because she is…still angry. Hypothetically angry. Or--or hypothetically disappointed, at the very least. Which is…the complete opposite of what he wants. It's--it's all terribly confusing and he is not entirely sure how to go about correcting this and would…very much like to not be on the receiving end of her unstoppable wrath. We'll suppose he's already experienced it once and it was not. Pleasant.

And we'll say, hypothetically, that the other lady--if you can even call Her a lady--does not deserve an apology, because She is bloody insane, and also a homicidal maniac.

Actually, that's only partially hypothetical. It is, in fact, loosely based on the true story of a crazed lunatic fresh out of the gravity couches, absolutely hellbent on spilling my blood. I am capable of bleeding, now--that's a thing I've confirmed about this body, and I'm not terribly keen on having it happen again. Since arriving, She has already tried to murder me once, and might possibly attempt to murder others once I am dead. She might not even wait until I'm dead! Just…just throwing that out there. Food for thought.

Comments

[zoosmell]

i am following!
except for the part with the actual question.

[audio]

[testgasm]

Maybe just some...'what would you do in this hypothetical situation' input.

[megamind]

She's here, isn't She?

[You can hear the excitement in Megamind's voice, can't you, Wheatley?]

[perma-voice]

[testgasm]

That is not a thing to be pleased about.

[scratched]

[blah blah personal problems blah blah blah]

are you cheating on me

[testgasm]

[no]

I thought--I thought we went over this. I cannot return your human feelings.

audio;

[herocomplex]

_{[ Wow Wheatley you talk more than America does he isn't even following any of this so have an enthusiastic HELLO.
He knows there's a lady problem but that's about it, so: ]}

Wooaoaaaahhh. Blah blah blah, dude! Slow down and run that by me again!
Oh! HEY! Hey! WHEATIES MAN.
Did you use a pick up line yet on them?

I thought up another one!
I'm your Burger King and you're my McDonald's
I'll be having it my way, and you'll be loving it.

Also, I talked to Chell! No wonder she gets irritated at you, she doesn't really talk!

[audio forever]

[testgasm]

Well, no, she doesn't talk at all, but--

I think you might be, ah. Misunderstanding the situation.

audio;

[testability]

Well, hypothetically that little imbecile has a lot to work up to. Only he can betray trust so stupidly after earning it and then nearly kill everyone due to his idiocy, which by the way only needed a nanosecond of time to fix.

Oh but what do I know? I'm not human, but I must say watching you suffer has been making this very enjoyable. [chilling chuckle]

Wait, we were talking hypothetically. Well... anyone that is not you can so clearly see who this pitied moron you're talking about is. Even a blind man can connect the dots. So. Is your next step to snivel and weep openly at her feet?

[forever voice]

[testgasm]

[oh fuck oh fuck HOW DOES I FILTER WHY DIDN'T IT WORK.]

You! This is--this is a private post. Meaning you are absolutely not welcome here in any capacity whatsoever and I--I am not a moron.

I'll--I'll have you know that she and I are getting along just fine.

[video]

[mutelunatic]

[oh look who's frowning at how not subtle you are.

seriously? air out all of the dirty laundry from Aperture why don't you.

she just wants you to know that she can see this and son she is disappoint. :|]

[audio]

[testgasm]

[WHAT NO WHY IS THIS HAPPENING

Please enjoy what sounds like a communicator being smacked against something. Probably a wall.]

Rrrgh why won't you just...make things private, like you're supposed to!

Hello. Absolutely nothing to see here.

[handelaar]

[Relationship problems, why does everyone on the damn ship have to blab about... murdering lunatics, alright. You have his attention.

Sorry bro, he doesn't care about your predicament, but:]

So are ya just bein' dramatic, or what.

[audio]

[testgasm]

No! I am, in fact, in very real danger.

[andblockbuster]

Wow. That is a really convoluted hypothetical, dude.

[testgasm]

Oh. Right. Sometimes I forget you humans are a little slower when it comes to, ah. Processing capabilities, haha.

[wheatley that's rude.]

voice

[godseer]

Putting someone through dangerous or deadly tests by force might be hard to forgive. It would probably help if you didn't try to do that again.

[perma-voice]

[testgasm]

Oh, I've got...exactly zero plans to ever do something like that again.

If I had done something like that in the first place, which I haven't, because we're speaking hypothetically.

/crashes

[handelaar]

[Damn. Even if he didn't know that voice, he'd recognize that know-it-all bullshit.]
[Nevermind that he thought it entertaining. Sort of.]
No shit.

voice;

[entrapments]

Sounds like you're gonna have to buy a lot of chocolate.

[perma-voice]

[testgasm]

[chocolates...what...]

What would that accomplish, exactly? Is this some kind of--of human apology ritual?

text;

[vestalvogue]

Hypothetically You Should Understand An Apology Does Not Fix All Problems Particularly If You Are Not Actually Sorry Or Owning Up To Responsibility To What You Have Done
Because Hypothetically It Doesnt Actually Sound Like You Are Very Sorry At All You Just Want To Be Back In Somebodys Good Graces Without Having To Do Any Of The Hard Work Getting There

[perma-voice]

[testgasm]

Rrrrgh fine. If you're such an expert, what would you hypothetically suggest?

video

[totallyhisniece]

So you do know that no one ever actually buys that I have this friend [Air quotes go here :|] thing, right? Everyone knows you're talking about yourself.

[perma-voice]

[testgasm]

Okay, well, maybe this is the one time where it is actually, truly hypothetical, and you're the ridiculous ones for not believing me.

[voice]

[notpanicking]

That is -- an interesting speculative dilemma.

[perma-voice]

[testgasm]

I thought so too! Complete mind-bender. Makes me glad it's purely hypothetical.

[functioningperfectly]

Who is trying to murder you? [HAL won't stand for people attacking his colleague in robots-turned-human studies ok

also he has no idea how to help with the rest of it because he's never had to worry about that sort of thing.]

[audio]

[testgasm]

Another--another AI. From home.

[video]

[lookingsharp]

Someone's trying to kill you? But you're a cool guy! You haven't done anything wrong!

[perma-voice]

[testgasm]

I know!

I mean, I have upset Her, in the past, but it wasn't anything She didn't deserve.