ataraxion | video;

There's a danger to desperation. When you are reckless enough to claim that you would do anything to achieve a certain goal, you risk losing sight of the things that matter to you the most. Even, I think, the most worthy among us, have risked too much on the half chance of some slight victory, and often the returns we get are hollow, unimportant in the face of the things we dispose ourselves of in the process of arriving there.

I lost much as a young man. As an older one, I gambled what little I had left. I have chased my fair share of ghosts, both real and imaginary, and failed to notice that in my pursuit of a family I had lost, that I, perhaps, had failed to embrace the family I had found.

I fear that I will never be a particularly good father, if indeed I live long enough to become one. I have certainly failed, in no particular order, to be a good son, a good benefactor, and a good friend.

[ No questions. Just some things that people need to hear: apologies to some and reminders to others, worked into the same kind of thoughtful rambles that so many other passengers spill onto the network after a few months here. Bruce has to blend in, after all; how better than to make it seem as though he's come to some great epiphany. ]

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Who did you make angry?

That's a good question. Disappointment is a little like anger.

[ He recognises that voice, though it takes him a moment to place it. He decides to see where the conversation leads first. ]

No, it's not.

You don't think so?

If anyone is angry, I am--at myself.

The definition of good tends to differ from one person to the next.

[ which only has her looking oddly curious as to why he feels this way. ]

As does the definition of ill. The reasons underneath the words are often more important than the words themselves.

That's to say that people are looking.

[ and yes, she is looking. ]

Staying busy, I hope?

Always.

Do I have... [ He begins before he's really thought about it, and starts again. ] It's a strange question. About the future.

Do I have any children? Wards? A secret global organization of masked vigilantes to inherit my legacy?

Isn't that something to keep to yourself?

[ she blinks at that, not expecting that, and not sure what to say for a brief moment. ]

No... You only had Alfred.

[ a short pause and her expression is turning to a soft concern. ]

Is this about all the others that claim to be from Gotham?

[ those robins? ]

They are from Gotham. They're my family.

[ He's adamant about that much, but his own future doesn't fit with what he's learned about theirs. He only arrived after their disappearance, but they've connected briefly since, and he feels responsible for them. In some small way, he brought them into the world. ]

What I do--it isn't for everyone. We have much more in common than any parent has with their child.

Would you?

If you've realized that, why would you think you'll never be an acceptable father?

Edited 2013-04-15 11:31 (UTC)

Are you saying this in the hopes of some sort of forgiveness?

Fears are not always logical, but I suppose I feel it's because I am inherently selfish, even in my selflessness.

A young man who grew up under the care of one of charities told me that the bottom dropped out of the funding for his orphanage. I've never particularly cared for my wealth; with or without it, it didn't matter to me. But to him, it was a lifeline. A lifeline I failed to continue to support because my losing my wealth, I thought, couldn't possible affect anyone else.

Those kinds of things--I overlook them. That's selfish of me. It's no example to set for a child.

No. It's my hope that my acknowledging it offers the comfort of contrition, but really all I wish for is that my experience might offer a lesson to others.

Maybe you should give yourself a little more credit.

It has naught to do with anyone else.

I'm not wallowing in despair, at least. I give myself credit for that.

My family might argue otherwise--the family I have here or otherwise. I'd say - or perhaps at least hope - that they would understand, and have some pity.

[ she understands how one might feel responsible in a situation like that, but… ]

How much of you, is really in part of that world though, Mr. Wayne?

[ because she does worry somewhat that he is taking more responsibility for a world he had no control or understanding of. ]

[ She makes a noncommittal sound. You can almost picture the shrug. ]

That's true, but, well as far as parenting goes- I haven't met anyone who thought they'd be a great parent. You always spend the time worried you've ruined them for life, or said this when you should have done that.

I think as long as you love them, the rest of it finds a way to come together.

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