╰xx5╮[video]

[lacksgrace]

[ Bet everyone on the network has missed this pretty face, right? He's not in his room this time, however. In fact, he's kind of roaming around the halls. So, the video is a little shaky. ]

You know, there's something about all this I really don't get. So much attachment can't be good for anyone on this boat. It's the same whenever there's a jump, and most of the time, we're not all that lucky anyway. Half the people we know leave and some we don't replace 'em.

I dunno why I think it's ever gonna be different. Maybe I'm just that optimistic. [ Yeah, he's kind of lost another friend. Even if he's gained one from before, it doesn't seem to keep him from going down a path he really shouldn't be going down. A shake of his head, and he's frowning. ] And another thing—

Dying happens. It's that whole natural process whatever that comes with the being mortal thing. The best you can hope for is ending up somewhere better than here. [ Bells sounds frustrated now, the sigh he gives distracting him from what else he'd been about to say. ] This is boring as fuck. I'm getting tired of waiting and the same stuff always happening.

Who's exactly doing who a favor around here anyway? Can't be a decent guard if there's shit protecting us. Now that's something to think about, huh?

[ And with a grimace, the feed abruptly ends there. Feel free to bump into him on his way to the OG. ]

Comments

[showbizpanache]

The part where people leave-- That's what you mean, right?

[And he gets harsh right back at him.] Because I don't know anything about that, not one bit.

[lacksgrace]

And what about the part where you wait and hope and wonder if they're ever gonna come back? What about that, huh? [ He turns his back to him, arms crossed. Guess who's being five years old. ]

I don't want that, Kurt. This place makes me feel— [ Hands through his hair now, obviously frustrated. ] What if Lor goes like that? Or what if - [ A little quieter. ] - What if you go?

[showbizpanache]

[He has to stop for a minute there, because wow it would be nice to go home and stay there. To be with his family and--and see Blaine again. But then he'd leave everyone here. He'd leave Bells and John and Wichita and Brendan and all of them and would never ever see them again--]

I... I suppose it's better not to think about it.

[lacksgrace]

But I can't stop thinking about it. [ Hands clenched, he faces him again. ] It's all I've got in my head since... I'm really fucked up.

[ And the way he laughs is just as bitter as his voice. ]

[showbizpanache]

You're not.

[He doesn't like this. It's almost as if Bells isn't used to feeling so much. As if it's new to him-- Whereas with Kurt, grief is an old friend.

Cautiously he steps closer.] You're really not.

[lacksgrace]

You don't know that. [ It's a forced murmur now, fingernails digging into his palms to keep his hands from shaking. He hates this more than he can even express, wants to run back to the drugs he's left behind and hide there until it goes away. ] You don't know what I've done. You'd probably think the same thing.

[showbizpanache]

[That makes his stomach curl a little bit, because it's true-- He doesn't know. He bits his lip, curling his fingers toward his chest.]

You could...tell me.

[lacksgrace]

You'd wanna hear something like that? [ Almost disbelieving, but it's hard to tell. ] Why?

[showbizpanache]

I just...

[He's afraid, maybe, and feeling very small all of a sudden. Like everything Bells is talking about is so much bigger than him, and he can't possibly understand.]

I don't know.

[lacksgrace]

[ He only gives him a sigh, closing his eyes for a second and shaking his head before looking at him again. Even if Bells wants to explain, he's not sure he can. ]

I miss not feeling anything. It was nothing all the time, and I can't get that back now.

[showbizpanache]

[He isn't sure how to respond to that. Instead he just sort of nods, folding his arms over his chest, and is quiet for a while. When he speaks again, it's soft.]

I want to trust you.

[lacksgrace]

[ Trust. That's a pretty big word for him. It means a lot, and it's something he hasn't quite figured out just yet. But he's learned enough from Lor to know it's both equal parts giving and taking. Right? ]

My brother killed me. [ Bells takes a breath. ] I mean, I guess it's not really what you'd consider being dead, but it is for an angel. You Fall, and nobody wants you after that. You might as well not exist. 'Cause they won't give you a second thought even if you try hard enough to be sorry for whatever it was you did.

Hell's good at that part too. Just in a different way.

[showbizpanache]

You told me what he did.

[His eyes are surprisingly intense.]

I want to know what you did.

[lacksgrace]

I know. I'm trying. [ A frustrated sound, hands through his hair. He doesn't know what he's supposed to say, to be honest. He only remembers bits and pieces of it himself. ] It's, I dunno. All of these feelings came rushing in at once, and I'm pretty sure I killed him too. Maybe.

You said you don't believe in any of the Heaven and Hell stuff, right? But I have to tell you so you get it. [ He walks away from him, pacing a little and wondering just how he's supposed to explain. ] There are nine Circles down there. It's kinda separated into, uh, sins, I guess. And not the petty kind either. There's lust and violence and greed. You know.

[ Bells pauses, tilting his head so that their eyes meet for a brief second. ]

I'm a pretty angry person, Kurt. I am, was addicted to this stuff called HL because it didn't make me feel as much. But now that I'm not— [ He shrugs, fiddles with the sleeves of his jumpsuit. ] If my brother shows up here, I really will kill him. I won't lie to you about that.

[showbizpanache]

[He swallows, because wow that's a lot to take in. His stomach flops all over the place, especially at the mention of the drugs-- Weirdly enough, the killing part doesn't bother him as much as that does. His eyes flicker downward.]

I'm sorry.

I don't understand. I don't think I can.

[lacksgrace]

[ He presses his palms over his eyes for a second before sighing. ]

I just don't wanna hurt you. And I could without meaning to.

[showbizpanache]

[He just hugs himself a little tighter.]

That's sweet of you, think of me. Thank you.

This is all just--very big. Much bigger than me. I'm just a kid from Ohio, okay? I know a lot's happened here, but I'm still-- [He trails off, shrugging.] This entire ship is made up of things I can't put together in my head.

I just... [Sigh.] I need things to be simple. For a while.

[lacksgrace]

[ When he finally (actually) looks at him, there's something about the way he's standing there that hits Bells pretty hard. He frowns, closing the space between them and not bothering with politeness as he slides an arm around him to pull him close. ]

I don't know what Ohio is, but it doesn't have to be complicated. I'm simple. [ A pause. ] We can be simple together, you know.

[showbizpanache]

[He lets himself be pulled close.]

It's a little town in the middle of nowhere. Small and isolated, and full of the same people. Always the same people, always the same thing. I stood out like a sore thumb.

It's not Hell, though. I've never Fallen. I've never killed a person, and I've never touched a drug in my life. Before now I'd never even seen a gun, let alone held one.

I'm a stranger. You and I, we're... Forget worlds, we're from different universes.

[lacksgrace]

You think something like that'd stop me? [ His voice is low, almost a whisper. ] There's a lot of stuff I don't believe in anymore, but I think there's a reason we're both here. Right now.

Everything else can be worked out later, if that's what you want. I'm not going anywhere.

[showbizpanache]

You're very persistent.

[lacksgrace]

I don't usually take no for an answer. [ He pulls him even closer still. ] And I like you.

[showbizpanache]

[A small laugh.]

So are you feeling any better?

[lacksgrace]

Maybe. [ He smirks even though Kurt can't see it. ] I don't think a kiss or two would hurt though. Just to be safe.

[showbizpanache]

[He rolls his eyes, and just to be a tease plants a kiss on Bells' cheek.]

Good?