ataraxion | captain's log | 22 | voice - entire post incl. responses Kirk Encryption, 100%

{PRIVATE TO: Rᴏʙʙ Sᴛᴀʀᴋ, Jᴀʏᴇ, Nᴇᴀʟ Cᴀғғʀᴇʏ, Nᴀᴛʜᴀɴ Pᴇᴛʀᴇʟʟɪ, Isᴀᴀᴄ Cʟᴀʀᴋᴇ, Cᴀʀᴏʟʏɴ Fʀʏ, Wᴀᴛsᴏɴ, Cʜᴀsᴇ, Tᴏɴʏ Sᴛᴀʀᴋ}

[there is no video to go along with this, probably half because of the state Jim is in, though at least he doesn't look like a victim of famine anymore. during the meeting with Tony, he'd been very quiet, but anyone who had seen him would have seen a gaunt Kirk, a man who looked like he hadn't eaten for maybe four or five days. he'd left without a fuss when Tony made it clear he wouldn't be telling Kirk anything at all, and nobody would have seen or heard much of him until now.]

I know this is late.

I've gotta apologize for last week. For the last couple of weeks. I had some help and I know, now, it was the mask, but the fact remains that I acted like an asshole. [beat] One hell of an asshole, actually. So if you have something you want to say to me, might as well get your I told you sos off your chest. I'm a big boy, I can take it.

{ғɪʟᴛᴇʀᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ Rᴏʙʙ Sᴛᴀʀᴋ}

Especially to you, Stark. Some of what I said-- [he pauses, then shakes his head and pushes on, and somehow manages to keep the self disgust out of his tone.] You were right. A poor commander is definitely what I was acting like.

{ғɪʟᴛᴇʀᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ Cᴀʀᴏʟʏɴ Fʀʏ}
I know I'm not exactly in your good books right now, but if you've got the patience I could really use something hands-on. [then, recalling some of his more forward flirtation lately, he adds quickly:] I mean on the shuttles.

Promise I won't break anything- [and he smirks, you can hear it in his voice] You won't even know I'm there. [he could always come down on his own anyway, maybe with Sulu, but it's a gesture of respect he reaches out to her]

{ғɪʟᴛᴇʀᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ Issᴀᴄ Cʟᴀʀᴋᴇ}
Got room for another set of hands down there?

[it might seem like too much, but Jim needs nothing more than to bury himself in the ship, feel what makes it move and that as a starship captain, he has a physical responsibility- something real that isn't a projection from his head.]

{PRIVATE TO: Rᴀᴠᴇɴ}
[there is nobody he needs to repent more to than he does to Raven. she'd seen him in that state, had been personally effected by what that mask made him see- and he hated himself for it.]

Can we talk? Just- [he lifts a hand, pinches the bridge of his nose. he wouldn't blame her if she said no, or ignored him completely.] Let me know if you have time.

{PRIVATE TO: Gᴏᴅʀɪᴄ}

Hey. [he's not sure what he wants to say, here, so he just says bluntly:] Sorry you had to come pick my ass up out of the corridor.

{Eɴᴛᴇʀᴘʀɪsᴇ Eɴᴄʀʏᴘᴛɪᴏɴ}
Status report. [he says, and then exhales] Off the record. How are you guys?

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[ she maybe probably should ignore him completely. that would probably be the stronger thing to do here, not giving him the chance to apologize or explain so quickly. maybe. would it though? it actually seems like something she would have done a while ago, when she got mad at Charles. lock herself in her room and- no. okay, she can't do that. she won't do that. it's immature. ..but that doesn't mean she's going to be nice about this. ]

I can always make time for you, captain.

[ alright, so the sass was half-hearted at best, but yes, that's a dig in that weird backhanded way - I've been so worried, and you were such a jerk and I told you to take off the mask I told you and I was playing that moment over and over in my head trying to figure out who you thought I was and why you thought I was her and so yes, yes I am going to use your own words against you and be mean about it, too. this is me being mean and I hope it makes you feel like a jerk cause that's what you are. ...basically all that. right. ]

I'll forgive you if you stop playing the victim card. What do you say?

Kirk.

[he laughs, and it's rueful and he rubs the back of his neck]

Deal.

[he stands in the middle of his room, without leaning on anything, and winces when her voice comes across the feed.]

I deserved that. [he acknowledges without jest.]

How will I ever trust again?

[ Dry as hell, but who didn't see that tone coming. ]

[he turns on the video and grins without humor at her, his eyes are still a little sunken but the colour has returned to his skin and he doesn't look like he's starving anymore.]

Is it too late to say you were right?

I dunno, I could organize your paperwork for you.

[which, Watson probably knows, Jim hates paperwork so it's kind of the worst thing he could think to do??]

[ there's a pause, and it's just so she has as second to inwardly argue with herself over how to handle this ]

-- How are you feeling?

Like a jerk. [he offers, then rubs the back of his neck, shifts his weight.] Look- I know sorry isn't going to fix it I just- [he is so bad at this, especially with women] I'm not asking for you to forgive me. [he finally says, helplessly.]

So... [ you really are bad at this, Kirk. and normally she'd show some mercy and walk him through it. but. ] What is this then, exactly? Are we really gonna talk about what happened?

You're an idiot who needs to remember that he's not the one everyone answers to.

[ Well. You said to say it. ]

I'll have the patience if you don't keep pushing it. If I'm busy teaching one of the new recruits, I'll see if Casey can keep an eye on you.

[ Because people can technically just drop by the shuttle bay, but she doesn't like it and most of the flight crew doesn't either. Casey has no problem telling people when they're being stupid, so she figures he'd be a good choice if she can't do it herself. ]

Did I ever tell you what my job is?

[ This is relevant, she promises. ]

[he quirks a smile. he already knew Carolyn's opinion of him before she said it, but hey, now that it's out there maybe it'll be something they don't have to discuss anymore.]

That really won't be necessary.

Back home?

[just for clarity. because he knows your station on the ship.]

If you want to.

[he winces again, ARGH HE'S TRYING RAVEN HE REALLY IS.]

I will.

[ That'd be nice. ]

Not on your end, but it is on mine.

Yeah, back home. Way different from the gardens.

[ Well. The animal part was fairly close. ]

I'm not asking to divide up your staff and give you more work to do, Fry.

[that's- said without any sarcasm. Kirk knows what needs to be done, he's asking to assist, not to give her more stress about having to keep an eye on him.]

No, you haven't.

We have a few more hands now. We'll make do.

[ They always have. ]

Just at first, to get you into the rhythm of the team as well as your own.

[ She never sounds as poetic as she does when she's talking about flying and the crafts to fly with. ]

[ She sounds almost unusually serious when she speaks, having gone from Jaye the blonde to Jaye the minder. ]

Where I come from, gods are very real -- most people just don't know it. They live as humans and take two actual humans to work for them, minders -- a master and an apprentice. The minders are given gifts to help with their jobs, and they do whatever their god requires of them. They work for them until the day they die, and sometimes afterward. It's their job to give everything to them -- devotion, prayer, belief, blood, sweat, tears.

Eight years ago, a North American god named Coyote and his master minder found me and gave me a job. I was given the ability to shapeshift into animals, with limitations. A few years later, I became the master and my ability was expanded -- any animal, no limits.

I'm not helpless. My job involves the knowledge that someday I may very well die for someone else. When I offer to help -- whether it's running through vents with supplies because I'm the only one who can fit or just beating the shit out of someone -- it's because I know I can, because I've probably done worse and still walked away. I know I won't walk away forever, but I have skills on the ship that no one else has. I can do things, but it'd be easier if I wasn't turned down every time I tried.

You bet. This self pitying bullshit is unbecoming.

You know, I was going for humble, not self-pitying.

That I can do.

[that he can understand; it's been a while since he's been down there regularly. not since Hotspur was around, and Kirk frowns. Southey sure has been on his mind a lot recently.]

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captain's log | 22 | voice - entire post incl. responses Kirk Encryption, 100%

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