ataraxion | ▞ 005 ▚ text | the order encryption 100%

Why?

[ Concerned? Very. ]

[ A pause. A long one. ]

i'm experiencing difficulty.
comprehending what i'm hearing.

[ In the privacy of his own company (haha, privacy), Oxford drops is head into his hands, shutting his eyes and running his hands through his hair. ]

Since when?

Edited 2012-06-13 12:45 (UTC)

slow escalation while in the brig.
exacerbated by fatigue.

[ Fatigue doesn't mean you want to puke all over your shoes, Aberdeen. Or the other half-dozen symptoms you've started to experience. ]

Good god, Aberdeen.

[ It's his turn to pause a little before continuing. ]

Have you any idea what might be causing this?

[ Normally she wouldn't comment on that good god, but this time, she acknowledges it. ]

i know.

[ As for what's causing it. ]

temporary exposure to the jump drive.
possibly.
but chapel exhibits no symptoms.
and exposure time seems negligible.

[ To the point. ]

i don't know.

I hope you realise that if it anything to do with the jump drive, I am that much angrier that you and Chapel made the decision to mess around with it, no matter how good [ not quite the word he's looking for ] your intentions might have been.

[ But he's berated you both quite enough about it, so he moves on swiftly. ]

Is there anything else? Other problems, that is.

[ She knows, she knows. Almost like a child being chastised by a parent. ]

i know.

[ It takes her a moment to answer. ]

fatigue.
other symptoms related to said fatigue.
my powers are still effective.
they still work.

i just [ Still hard to admit. ] don't understand what i'm hearing.

[ He's only angry because he's worried, but he tries to keep his cool as best he can. He hardly wants to make Aberdeen any worse than she most likely already does. Listening is what she does. Listening and understanding. Oxford can't begin to imagine what it must be like to lose that. ]

Don't push or strain yourself. Take it easy for the moment.

[ If he were speaking, his tone would be the most earnest and determined that he could manage. ]

We'll find a way to help this.

[ Bickering aside, the Order look after their own nonetheless. Even if they personally may not find a solution, by god they will find someone who can. ]

[ It's a complicated dynamic, granted one that is made a little less complicated without Cambridge or Durham here but which is nevertheless exacerbated by Oxford's insistence to be Oxford and Dundee's insistence to be Dundee. But, what's true is true, and the Order do look after their own at the end of the day. For whatever margin that Aberdeen can experience regret, she feels it now. And not just for herself but for the whole Order. 'Compromised' is not a fun word and when it's applied to operatives and their missives, the results can be dangerous or deadly. ]

boston's requested that i go to medbay.
none of us have medical training and [ God, why did it have to come to this. ] i know they have a neurologist on staff.

but i don't trust any of the doctors.
do you?

[ And yes, that is Aberdeen asking for Oxfords bonafide advice on who to trust. ]

Edited 2012-06-13 20:24 (UTC)

I think that may be a good course of action. The only member of the medical staff I would personally trust is Dr. Watson, and I don't blame you for being sceptical, but there is still a chance that someone could provide you with an answer or help. Personally, I think it's a risk worth taking. [ He smiles to himself, a little sadly. It's hard to find reassurance for situations like these. ] Besides, you know that if anyone gives you any trouble of any kind, we'll all give them hell.

under the impression there are two of them.
three, if you count sherlock's.
i assume alpha.

[ Which would be SH the original's version of Dr. Watson. The one who has been there since the very start. There's a pause and then Aberdeen sends (perhaps somewhat awkwardly, but what is awkwardness through text anyway). ]

if you're willing to take a look [ At her thoughts, she means. ] i'd appreciate it.
just to make sure.

boston has offered to hold agent aberdeen's capabilities in reserve for the duration.
i'm considering the offer.

Edited 2012-06-13 22:19 (UTC)

Yes, the first of them.

[ There is very little Oxford would refuse Aberdeen at the moment. He is not surprised by the request - in fact, he was expecting it - and he nods to himself, even though he knows that she can't see it. If there s even the slightest chance that his looking through her thoughts might help, he would be glad to give it a go. ]

Of course. Whenever you want, I shall.

[ He doesn't like the way that she says "agent Aberdeen", the way she detaches herself from the name and the role, but he can't find the right words to express why this so. ]

It might be a good plan for time being, in case it might be connected to the problem. [ ... ] This will only be temporary.

[ It feels weird, knowing that Oxford is attempting to comfort her — in so much as he is capable of doing so and in so much as they both know she'd be willing to let him. It feels — not disingenuous, not pitying but somewhere outside the reach of her comfort zone and for a long while Aberdeen doesn't say anything because she's not sure what people do when they're being nice or friendly or understanding. ]

i'm talking to dundee about it.
we'll see.

[ A beat. ]

sooner rather than later.
there are other reports of people getting sick.
flu-like symptoms.

they'll probably cluster in the medbay.
better if you missed the rush.
could be communicable.

[ It's a roundabout way to return the favor by telling him I don't want you getting sick. The reference is obtuse, but Aberdeen's not a sharing means caring kind of person. ]

[ dundee happens to answer after oxford, so let us take oxford's concern and turn the dial up past eleven and into twenty territory. because she can't understand and that's not even remotely a good thing. ]

Understood.

Complete lack of understanding?

[ somewhere hidden in that tiny question is a 'why didn't you tell me' and a 'why the fuck didn't i realize', but he won't actually say it. ]

Edited (good god it's too early in the morning) 2012-06-13 12:47 (UTC)

[ How does one actually ever bring themselves to type the words, I'm sorry? Whatever the trick is, Aberdeen hasn't learned it yet. But that doesn't mean the sentiment isn't there, inside her. Making her feel like shit. ]

no.

[ Not yet goes unsaid. ]

say something.

[ If there is a way, Dundee hasn't discovered it yet. To be honest, Dundee can only really say sorry when saying it out loud, any other time and he has a tendency to back out and censor himself to where the apology never happens. He's not mad at her, he's worried, and in his eyes it doesn't really require an apology. When he finally opens his mouth to say something, he doesn't quote anything and instead says what's on his mind. (Truth be told, he should have gone for the quote.) ]

There was an Aberdeen before you, actually, I've technically had three before you. They don't go insane if a Dundee actually does their job. Of course, they get tired, but that's to be expected. You're not acting like Imogen did or even like Catherine did. It's strange and I'm not entirely sure how to even help you. I can't even really remind you that you said nothing would go wrong, assuming this has to do with what you and Chapel did. [ A beat, and then he says this last part incredibly slowly. ] I need you to tell me if anything else is wrong. The complete truth, just this once.

[ And then he finally sends another text: ]

What did I say?

[ And here's the difficult part, the part that's not just hard, it's terrifying to her. Aberdeen knows that Dundee is speaking because she told him to and, after a long while, he asks what he's said. But all around her there is noise upon noise, some of which she can identify as people speaking, as the ship humming, and some of which is simply sound — meaningless and amorphous, without resonance or recognition attached. Aberdeen can tell that the amount of noise gets larger, like water added to an already brimming cup, but pulling one sound apart from another, being able to parse through them in a meaningful way, isn't possible. She knows that Dundee's voice is out there, part of that blanket that covers her (smothers her), but she doesn't know where, precisely. She can't recognize his voice.

And when Aberdeen realizes that, she throws her communicator across the room and lets it sit there for a while, staring at it as if somehow it was the thing responsible.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid stupid stupid.

It's not until a little later — a minute, two, less than ten — that she finally slips off the bed with a wobble in her knees and goes to fetch it, giving it a shake to make sure it's still capable of working. Then: ]

i can't find you.

[ And it is truly, truly isolating. ]

Edited 2012-06-13 15:43 (UTC)

[ There's a long pause where Dundee just doesn't even move. He breathes in and out, making sure any anger (whatever small amount there is) and worry is controlled. (Aberdeens can always hear him and understand him even if they're going crazy. It's how it's supposed to work.) She can't find him, which means she can't hear him or if she can she can't pick his voice out of every thing else. While it terrifies Aberdeen for one reason, it terrifies Dundee for a completely different one. He's heard the phrase 'I can't hear you' right before he left and they never remembered him more than once.

(That's all he can think about. If she doesn't have her memories of the Order, then- well he knows what will happen. Never mind that he knows Boston is just bestows powers and doesn't erase memories. Durham had been here once and he certainly wasn't the only one capable of doing it at home.)

He takes a few more breaths before trying to focus only on her mind for one message, I'm sorry. And don't you dare text the same thing back to me. ]

Then I'll find you.

[ A small break between the texts and then: ]

I could take you there. He- It's the right idea.

Edited (tiny edits hush i hate my typing sometimes.) 2012-06-13 20:57 (UTC)

[ I'm sorry, he thinks and that, she hears. Or rather, she thinks it too — the concept formulating in her mind almost as if it was one of her own thoughts and it gets through, she understands it, and dear god it's something of a relief (albeit a bittersweet one given how starkly it seems to sit against the rest of her own thoughts. ]

not far.
in the room.
i'll wait for you.

[ Aberdeen doesn't fight him, doesn't split hairs. She knows that being resistant wouldn't help anyone, it'd be just being difficult for difficult's sake and they can't afford that right now. She considers switching it to private but she doesn't, not yet anyway. ]

we need to talk.
about agent aberdeen.

[ It's the best he can do. If she can't understand him when he normally speaks, he'll give her something that's different than just an overwhelming noise of everything. ]

I'm on my way and slightly annoyed at how slow these lifts can be.

[ There's a pause, he had been somewhat expecting a fight of some sort, though, Aberdeen is nothing but pragmatic and what was the use in fighting when he'd drag her anyway. While she doesn't switch it to private, he feels the need to. ]

Hallah. I may be tasked specifically with protecting the Aberdeen position, but that does include the woman or man holding it. In fact, that's the point of protecting it.

If you want it gone, I would be fine with it. You'll have your memories, but not the power until what's going on with your brain is fixed.

[ Dundee says is fixed like he's sure it'll actually happen. (It's a lie.) ]

everyone's talking at me in absolutes.

i will get better.
i will try harder.
things will get fixed.
it is just temporary.

but absolutes are such an extreme improbability.
the math doesn't square.

[ She leaves it at that for a little while. Then: ]

it's not going deaf, ian.
it's worse.

For once can we not look at it like a math equation. We're talking at you in absolutes because the alternative is to exist in a state of limbo where all of us don't know if you will get better or not.

If we don't, it destroys morale and for once, I would like the extreme improbability to be true. Besides, we're on a spaceship, and there were demons on it in the recent past. It's safe to say some of those extreme improbabilities are probabilities on this ship.

[ He just stares for a moment before saying this: ]

I figured.

I'm- That's the reason I'm giving you permission. I'm worried. About you, as a person, Hallah, not as an operative.

[ He doesn't reply immediately—there's not much to be said other than what they had already discussed—but a question does come to him, and it's one he'd like to ask her privately. ]

Has your power suffered any similar consequences?

[ They both know her brain isn't working the way it should, but powers are—tricky. Different. Not explicitly tied to the brain, as such. He hadn't considered it, but if there's anything wrong with the power itself... ]

no.
as far as i can tell.

[ She doesn't have to spell it out for him that it makes things infinitely harder. ]

[ Dodged a bullet there. Well. For a given definition of bullet, considering. ]

Good. Let's hope it stays that way.

[ As hard as it is for her, a useless power would be worse. ]

Can you speak at all?

yes.

[ A pause. ]

i can hear the sound of my own voice.
i know it's mine because i'm speaking.

[ Can you speak at all—can you form words that sound like the words they're supposed to sound like—and the answer is a yes-no. ]

Then what you're hearing - [ that cacophony in your head, in addition to your own voice ] - not much of a variety show, is it.

[ She remembers the shape of each sound in her mouth, the specific configurations of tongue and teeth and breath in order to form the desired words. But's an exercise in muscle memory, not sounding the words out. ]

no.

[ Followed then by: ]

are you going to offer?
because i'm going to ask.

I think you just did.

[ A pause. ]

I can give it back any time.

it's not that bad yet.

[ That may be a lie, but it's one she tells for her own benefit and not his. ]

but soon.
maybe.

[ After a minute or two: ]

yeah.

My advice? Don't wait for it to get "that bad."

[ Just because she has a high tolerance for pain doesn't mean she should suffer needlessly. But it's her call. He'll respect it. ]

[ Arguably she's never been a glutton for punishment, in so much that — relatively — it's very little skin off her back. This, on the other hand, is the very heart of the matter, and as a result she can't take it lightly. Still: ]

i have to talk to dundee about it.
what happens to agent aberdeen is partially his responsibility.

[ Agent Aberdeen. Look at her. It's almost as if she's ready to turn her badge in already. ]

Then talk to him. But remember - the other half of that responsibility is yours.

[ Then: ]

I understand this isn't easy for you, but it's fixable. [ Probably. ]

There's only so much room for self-pity on this ship, if that's what that was. Fill your quota, move on. Do what needs to be done.

[ You can get through this, Aberdeen. Even if you can't, you can. ]

[ Oddly enough, her mouth twitches when she reads Boston's response. He doesn't fuck around.

And given how twisted and turned on its head the personal dealings of the UK Order have gotten recently: she likes it. ]

i don't have self-pity.
it's not useful.

i have responsibilities.
and i fucked up a couple.
now i'm trying to make amends.

You can do better than try.

[ That's almost fond, coming from him. He believes her. ]

Get back to me when you can.

[ One last order of business: ]

connecting with dundee.
he'll bring me to medical.
we'll decide next steps en route.

may run into a problem with the doctors.
they'll have a lot of questions.
lost in translation, etc etc.

I doubt any of them know half as much about nanotechnology as Chapel does, so you can leave the catalyst out of the equation. [ As far as he's concerned, what happened on that front is between the Order, Ward, and Resnik only. ]

Tell them the symptoms. Have Dundee translate, text them, or write the words down in a notebook if you have to.

yes, sir.

[ And, that wasn't ironic, by the way. ]

dundee'll update you if i can't.
might be a broadcast.

[ A beat, then. ]

don't get sick.

[ Sir? He hasn't heard that one in long damn time. ]

I'll keep an eye out.

[ He considers her concern, thinks about making an offhand remark—I don't get sick—but stops, and allows himself a humorless smile. ]

Wouldn't dare.

[ It's been a while since she's said it, too. ]

update us
re: chapel
if anything changes.

You got it.

[ He'll be watching that one like a hawk.

And: ]

Good luck.

i'm a mathematician.
relying on luck is statistically unsound.

[ But she gets your drift. Over and out. ]

[ chapel quickly flips through the conversations so far—then just breathes out a tiny, exhausted "fuck," scrubbing one hand over his face. ]

i'm sorry.

[ it seems like such a woefully inadequate thing to say, but. well. this was ultimately his fault. ]

fwiw, i doubt it was the drive itself. if that's got any side effects from exposure at all, it'd probably be more like radiation poisoning, and we weren't in there while it was active.

that wasn't reassuring at all, was it.

don't.

[ She means, don't be sorry. ]

not necessary.
not helpful.
ignores my agency.

[ That gets sent but Aberdeen ends up staring at her screen unhappily for a moment and then types a follow-up: ]

and it makes you feel bad.

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