ataraxion | (anonymous. / text. ) Pre-dated before the jump.

[Sam's had a lot of time to think about too many things, and maybe that's just his problem — he thinks too much. He thinks too much and feels too much, and he swears John and Dean have both gave him this criticism before. But now, surrounded by so many supernatural people, and then learning maybe something goes wrong in the future — something about him goes south and he turns into something awful... Dean's conversations so far haven't helped ease Sam's mind. Even the slightest. Maybe it's why Dean's been so adamant about putting the future behind them (hah). Maybe it's why he's better off not knowing. Because he'll end up a blood-sucking freak. Because he'll end up a monster.

That's preposterous. Crazy. A monster? But it's so easy to believe. Why would it be so easy to believe? Maybe it's the line of work; people turn into creatures every day. Maybe it's because deep down, in the darkest places in the pit of his veins, he feels like something echoes back when he thinks too long about it. Something ugly and corrupted.

Now that Sam's talked enough about it, he feels like his thoughts are gonna' eat him up.

So he goes anonymous and heads to the network, to escape his own voice thinking back at him, keeping him company.]

I guess a lot of people here turn into things they don't want to be... don't they? I mean, I don't know a lot of anything that wants to be what they are. What would you guys do, if you knew you might be something someday that's — y'know. Dangerous? Unsafe? Something that will hurt people, sooner or later? Something you think maybe you can feel deep down, felt it for as long as you can remember, even if you couldn't really pinpoint why.

What would you do? Knowing you couldn't stop it? How would you fight against something like that...? Or I guess what have you done, for some of you. What have you done to fight that? Being something different than what you used to be?

You think it's possible to really fight against what you are on the inside, what you'll be?

I don't know. It's a lot to think about, I guess. And with how this ship is, maybe unfair to ask about. Sorry if it's a crappy thing to drag up, I just had it hanging on my mind for a while now.

[He feels weird, addressing what will likely be mostly things he would have hunted back home.

... Ha.

How fucking weird is that. How sad is that? Guess he might really end up joining the ranks, if all the clues he's gotten point to that. Maybe he'll ask Castiel more about it after the jump; he knows a lot, right? He knows the future. Angels wouldn't lie to him, would they?]

[[OOC: Apologies for the pre-dating! Canonmate plotting makes this better to post pre-jump than post-jump, aha.]]

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[ He's not really in the best shape to be answering this. Honestly, he doesn't even know if he's reading it right anyway. What are words. ]

Is this about you, or someone else?

[OF COURSE YOU'D BE THE FIRST TO CHIME IN. Angels, man.]

Would your answer be different if it was one or the other?

[ Let's be honest, it's not like he has anything better to do. ]

Dunno. I guess it really depends on whether or not you can face yourself after.

[He hesitates before answering, but:]

You manage it.

[There's a small lapse in replies.]

I don't know if I'd be able to.

Looks so simple in text... I guess it's stupid to think it would be.

Has it been working so far?

Then why ask if you already have your answer?

No one's been hurt/killed; yes.

I'd like to at least try to.

And see if that does anybody here any good, I guess... Maybe I can change how I end up, or something.

[If... If he even ends up that way.

This is stupid. Stupid. He already figures he's a lost cause, if Dean's given up on him. If it all happens and the message on the phone is true. God, he doesn't know. He hates everyone being from the future, keeping things from him, telling him the bare facts.

He knows that he's better off not knowing. Embraced that, even, after learning what happened to Jo.

But then the future decided to just appear in his locker.

And well... It's hard to ignore it then. Hard to just sit in mystery.]

Suppose if there's any way to gauge it, that'd be it, right?

Yes. That's it.

So, it is more about you. [ There's a lengthy sort of pause as he takes a breath and rubs a hand across the back of his neck. This sort of topic is tricky for him, after all. Bells doesn't think he deserves any kind of redemption, doesn't think anyone would give it to him if he asked.

But for once, it's better not to be selfish. He wouldn't have wanted him to be that way. ]

Look, uh. [ Another break. Stupid anonymous. ] You can't base any of that on what-ifs. Are you gonna, or are you not. It's still your choice, you know. None of it's set in stone or anything.

If people care about you enough, they'll realize that too.

[Sam couldn't help but distantly remember Amy, remember what had happened that night. He remembered she was a good kid; wonder if this was her line of thought, too.

And then to imagine himself in her position... Well, it was already easy enough, if he thought hard enough about it. After that time he'd almost killed Dean in the Asylum, he knew there was something so easy and malleable to morph there... And then, to be possessed, to hurt his friends. It's like it's all drawn to him whether he likes it or not.]

Ever have a hard time, keeping it that way?

[... Yeah. Yeah, he's been saying this quietly like a mantra — that he can stay how he wants, because it's his choice, and maybe not all monsters are really monsters. After all, there are plenty of good people here. He's barely seen any sign of violence from a supernatural being in the confines of the ship. He's slow to reply on his end.]

You know that from experience, yourself?

[George doesn't respond for a moment. Finally:]

Yes. When I was learning to manage it, I might have hurt someone, before I knew what to do. And I nearly hurt someone recently.

Maybe. [ He just grins and shakes his head. ] Kinda hard to be that honest with someone when I don't even know who I'm talking to.

[ but derek's stalking the fuck out of this post ok ]

[ way to ask the worst (and yet easiest) question around. ]

Find a way to stop it?

[Ouch.]

then you have a hard choice to make. or
not your choice. theirs

[Which is kind of an answer and kind of not, so he follows it up a few minutes later with an addendum.]

find someone who will put a stop to it somehow. if it gets bad

[WAT A CREEPER.]

I'd like to. I just don't know how.

Whatever changes me is

already there, I guess. I don't know when it'll happen, though.

I think I have people who could do that.

I mean. I think someone will already handle it, maybe. I don't know. They don't talk much about it.

I don't know yet. If I want people to know.

I mean, if I do end up dangerous here, I'd like people to know...

I'm kinda' just... waiting, I guess.

Recently? It's still giving you trouble?

[He couldn't help but wonder... should he ask what kind of problem they have?]

It doesn't go away. There's not a cure for it, ever.

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