notpanicking: (☄ [ beginning anew/my hero ])
Roxanne Ritchi ([personal profile] notpanicking) wrote in [community profile] ataraxion2012-03-31 02:31 am


[The feed clicks on, and Roxanne is properly seated behind the camera, angle capturing her face perfectly.]

Good afternoon, Tranquility. I’m Roxanne Ritchi, bringing you a special report in lieu of the recent mutiny disaster by non other than our resident ‘supervillain’ [this is in finger quotes] – Megamind.

Now, I’m certain that most of you either saw the mess on the network, experienced some of his creations, or participated in his takedown – my gratitude, as well as everyone else on this ship that didn’t feel like being turned into human salsa, applauds you.

Now – here’s some fact that most of you probably don’t know.

[She’s going to tick these off on her fingers.]

First off – I’m from his world. That much is obvious, what with his accusations of my being delusional in regards to an obviously fabricated relationship on my part. [A dry smile, and a wink.] But that’s a later topic. Right now, I’m going to give you the basic rundown of him and his ineptitude that I, in my life back home with him, have experienced.

I’m his frequent kidnap victim. Yep – you heard it here, folks – frequent kidnap victim. He even had promotional cards, until he decided to end the promotion because I didn’t like the silly little bobblehead prize that he sent once I filled it up. [A prize she’d kept, actually. It was tucked away in a closet, back home. Irrelevant, however.]

We’ve been playing this ‘game’ for the past ten years with the resident superhero, Metro Man – a wondrous man with super powers and a heart of gold. Or, so we thought, at least. At any rate, Megamind has been fantastically failing at being a successful villain for all of these years. All of his inventions need to do all of the following in order to ensure a successful capture and subsequent prison time:

A) Explode at the most inopportune times – either too late, or two early.
B) Warm up, even death rays powered by the sun.
C) Shudder, and fall into literal pieces on the floor. This usually happens when on camera in front of the entire city.
D) Be weapons of mass destruction that…well. Massively destruct themselves. This falls under the A category as well.
E) Fail spectacularly, in a most grandiose fashion – fireworks, showers of sparks, etc. This also falls under A, but I feel it’s important to note just how many times his inventions have failed.

Now. In regards to the kidnappings themselves, I can not stress enough that they are the most inconvenient, inappropriately timed occasions that I can possibly think of. I’ve been kidnapped from house parties, planned dinners, family functions, weddings that I was in, and dates.

My life during these past ten years has been a whirlwind of being involved with these two men who are content to spend their lives fighting out their battles in the metropolis of Metro City – a place they have turned into their playground and private pissing contest field.

Notable disasters include (but most certainly aren’t limited to):

A) The Equistrinator. A giant, robotic, rainbow unicorn. You heard that right, folks.
B) His first kidnapping. I am not even going to go into how awkward that was.
C) Turning the lake into a giant pool of jello. That, my friends, is not exactly environmentall friendly.
D) The Retro Ray., which turned the entirety of Metro City, myself excluded, into a disco loving frenzy, replete with bell bottoms and polyester.
E) The Dancitron 9002. And updated version of the previous nine thousand units, this machine compulsed everyone in the city to dance until Metro Man intervened.
F) Forget me bombs. I don’t remember much about this one.
G) Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Kittens
H) The Apocalypsinator. This made the clouds rain cats and dogs. Literally. (He insisted on gathering all of them and getting them into proper homes. This, friends, is not the work of a true villain.)

The bomb hat. Actually, this happened to be one of my favorite devices – ingenious in its design, and giving off a certain amount of threat to the viewer, as well.

Admittedly, there are many, many more- - but if I sat here and told you even just a fraction of them, we would literally be sitting here for the next ten years. The kidnappings also weren’t uncomfortable – Minion, Megamind’s loyal henchfish, was an excellent baker and would often slip me quite the array of tasty baked goods when he thought Megamind wasn’t looking.

Actually, he did it in plain site. Nevermind.

Property damage is another factor in which we consider Megamind and his penchant for ‘evildoing’. We had the Mole Machine, which he used to burrow into banks – this caused numerous building collapses in the dead of night, and millions of dollars in taxpayer money to rebuild. Likely the most villainous of his deeds, property damage was something Megamind was actually very good at. Actually, my homeowners insurance company insisted on forcing a new policy on me – Megamind Insurance. This became very popular in the city, as he was well known for his penchant for grandiose displays, explosions, and fireworks.

Don’t get me wrong – the man is undeniably brilliant, but. The execution needed a little work.

In short? He’s a teenage rockstar at heart. He wanted to be bad – bad to the bone -- because of certain life circumstances pushing him in that direction. However…

When something far, far worse than he could ever hope to be came to town…

[Here Roxanne pauses and licks her lips, face paling ever so slightly before she smiles, lips tight.]

He pulled through. Rescued – hundreds of thousands of terrified citizens both fleeing and stuck in the city. He saved us, and me, instead of actively trying to destroy it and us while there was ample opportunity.

He’s good at heart – he just…hasn’t had an opportunity to shine, here. I hope that you give him that chance.
circumitus: you started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt." (wave goodbye to your troubles)


[personal profile] circumitus 2012-03-31 11:20 am (UTC)(link)
So that entire fiasco was a waste of time.

Good to know.
circumitus: I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month. (i need an office)


[personal profile] circumitus 2012-03-31 08:59 pm (UTC)(link)

"Badly executed" is a pretty big understatement if I've ever heard one.